An Open Letter to...Myself.

Dear Depressed Dana,
Just because you have thought you're whole life that you CAN do it ALL, doesn't mean you have to continue with this way of thinking.
Sometimes you can't do ANYTHING.
And this is okay.
Get to that place where you can agree with that statement.
Do what you need to get there.
And be okay with it.
Your family loves you, even if it's not the family you started out with, or were born into. You already know that "family of origin" and "family" are two different things.
Embrace that.
Do what you need to gain patience. If that means a mommy "time out", take one. If that means a day of guilt free "doing nothing", take it. Even if that means cancelling a much needed play date or staying inside on a sunny day.
Do what YOU need for a change.
And be okay with it.

Love yourself,
The "Other" Dana.

The Benefits of Taking the Morning Off

Notes from the Road: Edition 1

Moose thinks there might be something wrong with this plan.

Girl

She is silly. Sillier by the day. (She wasn't really scared here, just acting. Though the blood curdling screams tended to tell otherwise.)

She likes thrill rides. All of a sudden. The Gravitron (and all it's variations) is her favorite ride at the carnival. She'll ride it over and over and over...well, you get the picture.

She is learning to laugh at herself. Gone is the self loathing and self pity that used to accompany potentially embarrassing moments. Like missing at the KIDDIE game. Now, that was hilarious!

She adores her daddy. She looks forward to their "Daddy-Daughter Dates". She becomes quite the Chatty Cathy when you ask her "how was it?" when they return. You must hear every detail. And I do. And I love it. I hope she knows just how blessed she is to have such a great dad. I think she's beginning to get it.

She is CRAZY BEAUTIFUL.

Like that photo above.

How can she still be so dang beautiful when acting crazy?

The world may not be ready for her, but she is getting ready for the world.

I love you baby. Grow slowly.

Boy

That one on the left is his "baby kangaroo" and the one on the left is a "crescent moon".
Or so he tells me.

Revisions

Jeez.

Blogger is on my nerves. Or more accurately, my "blogger" skills are lacking and that is annoying. I am attempting to make some revisions to my personal blog so I can then make some good ones to my Urban Utopia Photography blog. You know, to make it more appealing, user friendly and inviting...maybe then I'll be more apt to update more often. *Sigh.*

So, if you come here and it's busted. It'll be back soon. This blog gets to be my guinea pig.

And I leave you with this:

Lucky they're cute...

When I have days like today, well week's like this week...let's be honest here-annd it's only Tuesday, people-I like to see things like this, to remind me that not every day will be this rough.

Here's looking toward tomorrow.

Because I Suck...

Jeez.

I owe you peeps big time.

Is anyone even there anymore???

I don't blame you if you aren't.

So...to just jump headlong in, I'll just pick up right where I am right now.

Busy.

Busy with life. And decisions. And being okay making them or not making them just yet.

I have been flexing my creative muscles and my shutter finger at the same time.

Laughing at the kids singing their versions of that annoying commercial's jingle "I wear no pants...I wwweeee-aaarr no pants"...the girl sings it pretty standard, but the boy? The boy is usually a different story. So, par for the course he sings it "I wear no sweats. I weeeeaaa---rrr no sweats".

I know.

And just now, I heard him saying in a teasing voice to his sister, something about "poop on you" and "baby poop and baby diapers". Who knows? I'm not even going to ask what that was about, as I am pretty sure I don't want to know.

Let the crazy continue.

And I am relishing every moment.

Also...I'll leave you with this image...this is how most days end around here. Covered in band-aids. This one is from a day spent with fellow photog friends at a local park, and the boy, of course, ATE IT. HARD. There was screaming. As usual.

And "mommy's special band aids".

Choices

Lately, I have been processing.
Processing information and realizations with regard to my family of origin.
Processing memories that have reconnected like wires in my brain that were fried and somehow, with hard work and an open mind (and a Higher Power) have mended themselves and electricity flows through them again.

I'm in Decision Land. And I fear that it will be lonely here. I know that making a decision like the one I am faced with will change things. It will change me. And it's been over 30 years coming. I've avoided it at all costs. I've held out hope that things will get better and change and that somehow I am the one that has all the power to make that happen.

My Higher Power seems to have other plans.
And I'm processing that.
And dealing with that.
And decision making.
And..
Seems like a lot of "and"s doesn't it?

I read this morning, after a very therapeutic meeting last night, "...The sense of being trapped is an illusion. We are not controlled by circumstances, our past, the expectations of others, or our unhealthy expectations of ourselves. We can choose what feels right for us, without guilt. We have options...Today I will open my thinking and myself to the choices available to me. I will make choices that are good for me."

While this is all helpful and enlightening, the journey and the choosing aren't made easier. BUT...yes, there is a "BUT"...I can give myself permission to not have all the answers and to take one moment at a time.

So that is what I'm doing...one moment at a time. Learning hard lessons. Lessons that are ripe for the picking. Learning to trust that my "family" and my "family of origin" may not be the same thing. Learning that I have a choice in which family members I associate with and which ones are unhealthy for me to involve in my life. Learning that I have a choice. And learning to choose to be accepting of that.

Life Lesson

This week I needed this.
I needed to read this.
I needed to hear this.
I needed to think about this in a way that I am unaccustomed to.
So I am.
And I'm going to share it with you.

I realize it's been about a month since my last post, and truly my absence has been irritating, even to me. I want to blog, but don't feel that much has been blog worthy or interesting enough to share here. What I would like to remember, is that it only has to be blog worthy and interesting to ME. I am thankful for my readers, commenters, and yes, even lurkers. But in the end, I blog for me; to share my life, to entertain myself and to get things off my chest. The universe is responding.

So I will share with you the item I read last night. Take from it what you will, as always.

From "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie
Control
Many of us have been trying to keep the whole world in orbit with sheer and forceful application of mental energy.

What happens if we let go, if we stop trying to keep the world orbiting and just let it whirl? It'll keep right on whirling. It'll stay right on track with no help from us. And we'll be free and relaxed enough to enjoy our place on it.

Control is an illusion, especially the kind of control we've been trying to exert. In fact, controlling gives other people, events, and diseases, such as alcoholism, control over us.

Whatever we try to control does have control over us and our life.

I have given this control to many things and people in my life. I have never gotten the results I wanted from controlling or trying to control people. What I received for my efforts is an unmanageable life, whether that unmanageability was inside me or in eternal events.

In recovery, we make a trade-off. We trade a life that we have tried to control, and we receive in return something better - a life that is manageable.

Today, I will exchange a controlled life for one that is manageable.


Have a great week everyone...I intend to learn to let go of what I think I can control a little bit more this week. Progress, not perfection, right?