How to...

How to end a really shitty day...well, if I'm honest...it's been a really shitty past 10 days or so...

1. Load up the car with the kids, and the stuff you sent the hubby to the store for.

2. Drive to the local beach without telling the kids where they are going.

3. Build a fire, spread out the sand toys and get out the s'mores supplies.

4. Just be.

5. Continue to just be. For a couple hours.

Ending the day like this is HIGHLY recommended for the soul.

{Dana}

The Benefits of Taking the Morning Off

Notes from the Road: Edition 1

Moose thinks there might be something wrong with this plan.

Because I Suck...

Jeez.

I owe you peeps big time.

Is anyone even there anymore???

I don't blame you if you aren't.

So...to just jump headlong in, I'll just pick up right where I am right now.

Busy.

Busy with life. And decisions. And being okay making them or not making them just yet.

I have been flexing my creative muscles and my shutter finger at the same time.

Laughing at the kids singing their versions of that annoying commercial's jingle "I wear no pants...I wwweeee-aaarr no pants"...the girl sings it pretty standard, but the boy? The boy is usually a different story. So, par for the course he sings it "I wear no sweats. I weeeeaaa---rrr no sweats".

I know.

And just now, I heard him saying in a teasing voice to his sister, something about "poop on you" and "baby poop and baby diapers". Who knows? I'm not even going to ask what that was about, as I am pretty sure I don't want to know.

Let the crazy continue.

And I am relishing every moment.

Also...I'll leave you with this image...this is how most days end around here. Covered in band-aids. This one is from a day spent with fellow photog friends at a local park, and the boy, of course, ATE IT. HARD. There was screaming. As usual.

And "mommy's special band aids".

Choices

Lately, I have been processing.
Processing information and realizations with regard to my family of origin.
Processing memories that have reconnected like wires in my brain that were fried and somehow, with hard work and an open mind (and a Higher Power) have mended themselves and electricity flows through them again.

I'm in Decision Land. And I fear that it will be lonely here. I know that making a decision like the one I am faced with will change things. It will change me. And it's been over 30 years coming. I've avoided it at all costs. I've held out hope that things will get better and change and that somehow I am the one that has all the power to make that happen.

My Higher Power seems to have other plans.
And I'm processing that.
And dealing with that.
And decision making.
And..
Seems like a lot of "and"s doesn't it?

I read this morning, after a very therapeutic meeting last night, "...The sense of being trapped is an illusion. We are not controlled by circumstances, our past, the expectations of others, or our unhealthy expectations of ourselves. We can choose what feels right for us, without guilt. We have options...Today I will open my thinking and myself to the choices available to me. I will make choices that are good for me."

While this is all helpful and enlightening, the journey and the choosing aren't made easier. BUT...yes, there is a "BUT"...I can give myself permission to not have all the answers and to take one moment at a time.

So that is what I'm doing...one moment at a time. Learning hard lessons. Lessons that are ripe for the picking. Learning to trust that my "family" and my "family of origin" may not be the same thing. Learning that I have a choice in which family members I associate with and which ones are unhealthy for me to involve in my life. Learning that I have a choice. And learning to choose to be accepting of that.

Wordless Wednesday ~ Easter Morning

Exploring

Last year, I started following a television series called Ruby, maybe you've heard of it. Maybe you've watched it. At first it was just inspirational to watch someone attempt to save herself from herself. I thought she had such strength and determination, all while having that slightly annoying Southern ditsy-drama queen thing going for her. (This is not to be taken as an insult to my Southern friends, I have personally had experience with this type of Southern Belle, and this is not to be taken as a blanket statement.) I love Ruby. I love her courage, faith and sense of humor.

Ruby, like myself, is missing chunks of her life in her memory banks. There are many spans of years she can't remember a single thing that happened. So do I. I connected to her on that level until she decided to visit her old school. I didn't understand why. I didn't think it would help, and I was seriously judgemental about her reaction.

That was a year ago.
And an experience ago.

Last weekend, I pointed out my mom's old place to a friend. Then I decided to stop there. This place, seen previously as my mom's old home, became something more for me. I expected to point out the poor decision making that went into this home of theirs, this weird situation I found them in but what I didn't expect was to feel. You see, I never lived there. They moved to this property after I no longer lived at home. I visited. My daughter spent the night. Even I spent the night. It felt a lifetime ago, and in a sense, it was.

I didn't expect to be affected by this place. I thought I was detached from it. I thought that I had no feelings attached to it.
I was wrong.
This place brought back a lot of memories for me. A lot of pain. A lot of anguish. A lot of fear and loneliness I didn't even know I felt at that time. I know now, mostly because I am no longer in that place in my life and honestly I am no longer that girl.

This place suddenly felt less pathetic and more sad to me. Sad that my mother had valid hopes when she established that home. Sad that she is unable to see her repetitive actions. Sad that I keep expecting her to, even when I no longer think I have any expectations of her.

I suppose I get it now, Ruby. I get why you went back to that place. If it affected you in the way revisiting this place did for me, and the memories came flooding back, I can understand why you would want to keep doing it. Keep visiting these places. Keep pushing your memory to...well...remember; to release those memories to you again and trust that you can handle them.

I am curious now. I am curious about the dozens of other places we have lived. I am curious if I could get my memories back if I visited them.

I am curious, scared and exhilarated at the thought.

I get it, and I'm sorry for the judging.

I am there too.

Love Thursday

He really does love her.......just on his own terms!
I love that they truly adore each other. His face lights up when she gets home from school, and she hugs him intensely...until five minutes pass and I'm screaming at them both to JUST GET ALONG DAMMIT!

Disenchantment

Disenchant: to free from illusion or false belief; undeceive

Complete acceptance of the understanding that someone is never going to be who you NEED or WANT them to be is the hardest hurdle to drag yourself over. There is no jumping or leaping or flying over this hurdle. I have to completely drag myself over it, one limb at a time. Now that I have, it isn't any easier or nicer on the other side of that hurdle. It is just as sad, just as scary and just as disappointing.

When this person is a parent, it adds to the feeling of abandonment. Realizing that you are the only one able to rescue yourself is just as disappointing. There is definitely something to be said for an external support system, but when you grow up with the false belief that a parent is the one person that will always be there for you in whatever capacity you need, then as an adult you become disenchanted with the fable...it's incredibly depressing.

I struggled for many years doing everything I could think of to make my parent, my...well...parent. I have come to terms, truly, with the fact that I no longer need that parent that was never really the parent I thought they were in the first place.

So today, the little girl in me...lets the illusion go. Disenchantment can be a positive, I suppose...

Monday Eavesdropping

The Boy (mortified): AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! I GOT MOCOS ON MY FACE!!!

Because I am trying to win the Mom of the Year Award (despite my best efforts to sabotage myself), I wipe his face with my BARE HAND.

Then he licks his lips, and says "mmmm, yummy!"

Yes, folks, he eats his mocos, now and then. I am not proud. Plus? I am pretty sure he gets that from his father.

But I have a way to stop this disgusting behavior. Yes, I do.

Me: If you eat mocos I can't give you chocolate all day.
The Boy: Oh. Sorry. I won't eat them anymore. I'm sorry! I'M SORRY! I'M SORRRRRYYYY! (Yes, he got more and more manic as he repeated himself.)

YES!!!!
You know what that means, right?
I win.

Sometimes...This is Gonna Take a Minute

Sometimes shit just makes sense.
Sometimes it all just comes together.
Sometimes you have to have truth backhand you with rings on each finger right across the face before you can see what is dead straight in front of you.
Sometimes you have to have your world shaken up to clear out the cobwebs and help you see clearly.

As many of you know, my family history...well, let's just say it doesn't shit sunshine and rainbows. But I'm dealing with it. I'm just starting to deal with it and to learn to process it, and then let it go. But the truth is a real bitch. Especially when you aren't expecting for it to jump right out and punch you in the face.

I has some truths told to me over the last week. Truths that the givers thought was common knowledge, turns out...it wasn't. In an unfamiliar way, I am thankful for this truth. I am not resentful of it. I am almost GLAD for it. I needed it, at that moment, on that day, from that person. I am thankful that I had a supportive friend with me when learned these things. A healthy friend. A friend that wants to see me mentally healthy, and was able to spur that along in a positive way. I found out that I have more than one supportive family member I can go to in times of need and want. I have discovered that the truth isn't always something to avoid. I have also discovered that when I open myself to my higher power (whatever that may be) it is able to walk through the door waving it's hands maniacally in the air shouting "here I am!!!!"

So, today, I open my "Language of Letting Go" book and look back to the day that was so incredibly eye-opening to me...and what do I find? This...really long entry...but so very poignant and perfectly timed. Hopefully you'll keep reading...

Near the Top
I know you're tired. I know you feel overwhelmed. You may feel as though this crisis, this problem, this hard time will last forever.
It won't. You are almost through.
You don't just think it has been hard; it has been hard. You have been tested, tried and retested on what you have learned.
Your beliefs and your faith have been tried in fire. You have believed, then doubted, then worked at believing some more. You have had to have faith even when you could not see or imagine what you were asked to believe. Others around you may have tried to convince you not to believe in what you were hoping you could believe.
You have had opposition. You have not gotten to this place with total support and joy. You have had to work hard, in spite of what was happening around you. Sometimes what motivated you was anger; sometimes fear.
Things went wrong - more problems occurred than you anticipated. There were obstacles, frustrations and annoyances en route. You did not plan on this being the way it would evolve. Much of this has been a surprise; some of it has not been at all what you desired.
Yet, it has been good. Part of you, the deepest part that knows truth, has sensed this all along, even when your head told you that things were out of whack and crazy; that there was no plan or purpose, that [your Higher Power] had forgotten you.
So much has happened, and each incident - the most painful, the most troubling, the most surprising - has a connection. You are beginning to see and sense that.
You never dreamt things would happen this way, did you? But they did. Now you are learning the secret - they are meant to happen this way, and this way is good, better than what you expected.
You didn't believe it would take this long either - did you? But it did. You have learned patience.
You never thought you could have it, but now you know you do.
You have been led. Many were the moments when you thought you were forgotten, when you were convinced you were abandoned. Now you know you have been guided.
Now things are coming into place. You are almost at the end of this phase, this difficult portion of the journey. The lesson is almost complete. You know - the lesson you fought, resisted, and insisted you could not learn. Yes, that one. You have almost mastered it.
You have been changed from the inside out. You have been moved to a different level, a higher level, a better level.
You have been climbing a mountain. It has not been easy, but the mountain climbing is never easy. Now, you are near the top. A moment longer, and the victory shall be yours.
Steady your shoulders. Breathe deeply. Move forward in confidence and peace. The time is coming to relish and enjoy all which you have fought for. That time is drawing near, finally.
I know you have thought before that the time was drawing near, only to learn that it wasn't. But now, the reward is coming. You know that too. You can feel it.
Your struggle has not been in vain. For every struggle on this journey, there is a climax, a resolution.
Peace, joy, abundant blessings, and reward are yours here on earth. Enjoy.
There will be more mountains, but now you know how to climb them. And you have learned the secret of what is at the top.
Today, I will accept where I am and continue to push forward. If I am in the midst of a learning experience, I will allow myself to continue on with the faith that the day of mastery and reward will come. Help me, [Higher Power], understand that despite my best efforts to live in peaceful serenity, there are times of mountain climbing. Help me stop creating chaos and crisis, and help me meet the challenges that will move me upward and forward.

Well...I know that was long, but it couldn't have been better orchestrated for me, in my current place, if I'd tried.

Happy New Year internets...may you find your serenity, hope and courage this year.

Local Flava!

We have lived in Mukilteo for about six years now. Last year was the first time we even HEARD of the Lighthouse Festival. This year we made sure to go. The whole family had a GREAT time. We walked around the vendor fair for a bit, got some yummy festival food then settled in on the beach to await the fireworks show.

While the Boy has no problem with water of ANY temperature, the Girl wasn't a huge fan of the Puget Sound temperature. The Boy ran in and out of the water until his parents could watch him shiver no more, while the Girl stood pointing and laughing about how cute it all was (her words, not mine, though - there was a large amount of "cute").

The Boy and Beast hung out on the beach while the Girl and I got to witness just what all the Mukilteo high schoolers come to the festival for: karaoke. We laughed and enjoyed and danced around to the horribleness music of the group singers and clapped and whooped with everyone else to the wonderful Whitney Houston impersonator ("Dance with Somebody", anyone? She was GREAT!) who we could not believe was only in high school.

When I took the Boy for a walk to go buy mini-donuts health food just before the fireworks started (and let me just tell you...we got NONE. The trailer lost power. boooo!) a train went by and we missed the first big BOOM because there was no way we were walking away from the view of the train with all my body parts. He practically ripped my arm off when he dug his heels in with excitement. I let him stay and watch for two reasons. 1. The excitement was just SO ADORABLE. and 2. I totally felt bad when he looked up at me about a half hour before, crossed his arms over his chest, harrumphed, and said to me "Mommy. YOU forgot the shmarshmallows". (The last time he was at the beach for fireworks was on 4th of July with s'mores and camping...so really? I can understand the confusion here. That's what we get for setting the expectation, right?? Heh.)

Then we watched all the wonderful fireworks. While the Girl, Beast and I loved it...the Boy was a bit scared still, though he handled it like a pro. What a great way to end the night. I love our little community and can't wait for next year.