How to...

How to end a really shitty day...well, if I'm honest...it's been a really shitty past 10 days or so...

1. Load up the car with the kids, and the stuff you sent the hubby to the store for.

2. Drive to the local beach without telling the kids where they are going.

3. Build a fire, spread out the sand toys and get out the s'mores supplies.

4. Just be.

5. Continue to just be. For a couple hours.

Ending the day like this is HIGHLY recommended for the soul.

{Dana}

An Open Letter to...Myself.

Dear Depressed Dana,
Just because you have thought you're whole life that you CAN do it ALL, doesn't mean you have to continue with this way of thinking.
Sometimes you can't do ANYTHING.
And this is okay.
Get to that place where you can agree with that statement.
Do what you need to get there.
And be okay with it.
Your family loves you, even if it's not the family you started out with, or were born into. You already know that "family of origin" and "family" are two different things.
Embrace that.
Do what you need to gain patience. If that means a mommy "time out", take one. If that means a day of guilt free "doing nothing", take it. Even if that means cancelling a much needed play date or staying inside on a sunny day.
Do what YOU need for a change.
And be okay with it.

Love yourself,
The "Other" Dana.

Choices

Lately, I have been processing.
Processing information and realizations with regard to my family of origin.
Processing memories that have reconnected like wires in my brain that were fried and somehow, with hard work and an open mind (and a Higher Power) have mended themselves and electricity flows through them again.

I'm in Decision Land. And I fear that it will be lonely here. I know that making a decision like the one I am faced with will change things. It will change me. And it's been over 30 years coming. I've avoided it at all costs. I've held out hope that things will get better and change and that somehow I am the one that has all the power to make that happen.

My Higher Power seems to have other plans.
And I'm processing that.
And dealing with that.
And decision making.
And..
Seems like a lot of "and"s doesn't it?

I read this morning, after a very therapeutic meeting last night, "...The sense of being trapped is an illusion. We are not controlled by circumstances, our past, the expectations of others, or our unhealthy expectations of ourselves. We can choose what feels right for us, without guilt. We have options...Today I will open my thinking and myself to the choices available to me. I will make choices that are good for me."

While this is all helpful and enlightening, the journey and the choosing aren't made easier. BUT...yes, there is a "BUT"...I can give myself permission to not have all the answers and to take one moment at a time.

So that is what I'm doing...one moment at a time. Learning hard lessons. Lessons that are ripe for the picking. Learning to trust that my "family" and my "family of origin" may not be the same thing. Learning that I have a choice in which family members I associate with and which ones are unhealthy for me to involve in my life. Learning that I have a choice. And learning to choose to be accepting of that.

Life Lesson

This week I needed this.
I needed to read this.
I needed to hear this.
I needed to think about this in a way that I am unaccustomed to.
So I am.
And I'm going to share it with you.

I realize it's been about a month since my last post, and truly my absence has been irritating, even to me. I want to blog, but don't feel that much has been blog worthy or interesting enough to share here. What I would like to remember, is that it only has to be blog worthy and interesting to ME. I am thankful for my readers, commenters, and yes, even lurkers. But in the end, I blog for me; to share my life, to entertain myself and to get things off my chest. The universe is responding.

So I will share with you the item I read last night. Take from it what you will, as always.

From "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie
Control
Many of us have been trying to keep the whole world in orbit with sheer and forceful application of mental energy.

What happens if we let go, if we stop trying to keep the world orbiting and just let it whirl? It'll keep right on whirling. It'll stay right on track with no help from us. And we'll be free and relaxed enough to enjoy our place on it.

Control is an illusion, especially the kind of control we've been trying to exert. In fact, controlling gives other people, events, and diseases, such as alcoholism, control over us.

Whatever we try to control does have control over us and our life.

I have given this control to many things and people in my life. I have never gotten the results I wanted from controlling or trying to control people. What I received for my efforts is an unmanageable life, whether that unmanageability was inside me or in eternal events.

In recovery, we make a trade-off. We trade a life that we have tried to control, and we receive in return something better - a life that is manageable.

Today, I will exchange a controlled life for one that is manageable.


Have a great week everyone...I intend to learn to let go of what I think I can control a little bit more this week. Progress, not perfection, right?

Exploring

Last year, I started following a television series called Ruby, maybe you've heard of it. Maybe you've watched it. At first it was just inspirational to watch someone attempt to save herself from herself. I thought she had such strength and determination, all while having that slightly annoying Southern ditsy-drama queen thing going for her. (This is not to be taken as an insult to my Southern friends, I have personally had experience with this type of Southern Belle, and this is not to be taken as a blanket statement.) I love Ruby. I love her courage, faith and sense of humor.

Ruby, like myself, is missing chunks of her life in her memory banks. There are many spans of years she can't remember a single thing that happened. So do I. I connected to her on that level until she decided to visit her old school. I didn't understand why. I didn't think it would help, and I was seriously judgemental about her reaction.

That was a year ago.
And an experience ago.

Last weekend, I pointed out my mom's old place to a friend. Then I decided to stop there. This place, seen previously as my mom's old home, became something more for me. I expected to point out the poor decision making that went into this home of theirs, this weird situation I found them in but what I didn't expect was to feel. You see, I never lived there. They moved to this property after I no longer lived at home. I visited. My daughter spent the night. Even I spent the night. It felt a lifetime ago, and in a sense, it was.

I didn't expect to be affected by this place. I thought I was detached from it. I thought that I had no feelings attached to it.
I was wrong.
This place brought back a lot of memories for me. A lot of pain. A lot of anguish. A lot of fear and loneliness I didn't even know I felt at that time. I know now, mostly because I am no longer in that place in my life and honestly I am no longer that girl.

This place suddenly felt less pathetic and more sad to me. Sad that my mother had valid hopes when she established that home. Sad that she is unable to see her repetitive actions. Sad that I keep expecting her to, even when I no longer think I have any expectations of her.

I suppose I get it now, Ruby. I get why you went back to that place. If it affected you in the way revisiting this place did for me, and the memories came flooding back, I can understand why you would want to keep doing it. Keep visiting these places. Keep pushing your memory to...well...remember; to release those memories to you again and trust that you can handle them.

I am curious now. I am curious about the dozens of other places we have lived. I am curious if I could get my memories back if I visited them.

I am curious, scared and exhilarated at the thought.

I get it, and I'm sorry for the judging.

I am there too.

365 Days and Counting

Happy Birthday my sweet Girl.
She's 12 today. And counting the days to being a teenager.

I have so many messages I hope she hears (both spoken and unspoken).
Here are a few I hope get through:

~Don't rush to grow up; there is no rewind feature for life.
~Just be a kid; allow yourself that indulgence.
~Study hard. School is valuable, even if it doesn't seem like it now.
~Laugh. Laugh hard and often.
~Cry. Cry whenever you want and for as long as you want. It's perfectly acceptable.
~Make lots of different kinds of friends. Don't put all your focus on only one friend. Learn when they aren't your friend anymore and let them go.
~Make your own choices; even the difficult ones.
~Ask for help. You are not alone in this life.
~Forgive. Forgive yourself and forgive others.
~Trust. Trust us to support you in every way. Learn how and when to trust others.
~Love. Love yourself. Love others. Love yourself some more. Love life.
~Have fun! Have so much fun you have to sort through the stories when you recount them to your children and grandchildren because telling them all would take too long.

My end of the bargain:

~I will let you "just be a kid". In fact, I will fight for it. Even when that makes you angry. At the same time allowing you to grow up...I know that is, and will continue to be, the hardest part.
~I will still check your homework and keep up with your teachers and be involved in your life. I will encourage you to do her best, and understand and accept when you have.
~I will laugh hard. And often. Even when its embarrassing and inappropriate.
~I will cry; showing you that it is perfectly acceptable to do so.
~I will have a variety of friends. And be an example of how to let them go...healthily.
~I will make the difficult choices. And the easy ones. And own them.
~I will show you how to ask for help. And how to be okay with it.
~I will work on forgiveness, and understand that nobody is perfect, not even me. (Maybe I'll learn how to forgive myself in the process.)
~I will continue to learn how to trust. Even trust myself.
~I will love you! Unconditionally. Forever.
~We will have fun! I will have fun with you, around you and even without you. But rest assured, fun will be had. There will be stories to recount to you; and when you ask a million times, I will continue to repeat them.

Happy Birthday, my amazing, beautiful Girl.
I love you.

Now, I gotta go...I have promises to keep.
And 365 days to keep at bay.

Wordless Wednesday

Disenchantment

Disenchant: to free from illusion or false belief; undeceive

Complete acceptance of the understanding that someone is never going to be who you NEED or WANT them to be is the hardest hurdle to drag yourself over. There is no jumping or leaping or flying over this hurdle. I have to completely drag myself over it, one limb at a time. Now that I have, it isn't any easier or nicer on the other side of that hurdle. It is just as sad, just as scary and just as disappointing.

When this person is a parent, it adds to the feeling of abandonment. Realizing that you are the only one able to rescue yourself is just as disappointing. There is definitely something to be said for an external support system, but when you grow up with the false belief that a parent is the one person that will always be there for you in whatever capacity you need, then as an adult you become disenchanted with the fable...it's incredibly depressing.

I struggled for many years doing everything I could think of to make my parent, my...well...parent. I have come to terms, truly, with the fact that I no longer need that parent that was never really the parent I thought they were in the first place.

So today, the little girl in me...lets the illusion go. Disenchantment can be a positive, I suppose...

Building Dendrites

Many years ago, the mom of a close friend of mine introduced me to the term "building dendrites". The way I remember it, we were all playing tennis, and every time I would let out my frustration, pain and anger with a really hard swing, she would cheer and tell me to let it out, as each time I did I was "building dendrites". What I truly got from that moment was that every time I do something that helped me let go of things and do something that made ME feel good, I was "building dendrites".

This weekend, that is exactly what I did.

Our journey started with a minivan chock full of scrapbooking supplies, clothes for two days and well...provisions. We added four women who needed a reboot. Here's a little of what that looks like:

Then we drove a couple hours (that FLEW by), in the rain and pending darkness packing that vehicle with laughter, stories and more laughter, to discover that the next two days of unseasonably wonderful weather gave us this:

With those ingredients, all that is left to do is strengthen the bonds already in place with these wonderful, amazing, caring, lively, energetic, supportive, loving, creative, boisterous and accepting women:

I mean, look, at us!

Don't we look relaxed after two days of just being us?

Talk about "building dendrites"!!!

These women hold a very special place in my heart. For all the sharing, love, stories, experiences and rib-aching-snorting-spitting laughter, I thank them.

I am thankful that in this time in my life, I am able to appreciate them, as well as my family for being supportive enough for me to take a weekend to MYSELF and not feel guilty.

For me, that is as priceless as these women.

Much love...

Oh, and, of course HE came along. The little party crasher.

But it wouldn't be the same without Moose watching over us. (And sneaking into pictures.)

Sometimes...This is Gonna Take a Minute

Sometimes shit just makes sense.
Sometimes it all just comes together.
Sometimes you have to have truth backhand you with rings on each finger right across the face before you can see what is dead straight in front of you.
Sometimes you have to have your world shaken up to clear out the cobwebs and help you see clearly.

As many of you know, my family history...well, let's just say it doesn't shit sunshine and rainbows. But I'm dealing with it. I'm just starting to deal with it and to learn to process it, and then let it go. But the truth is a real bitch. Especially when you aren't expecting for it to jump right out and punch you in the face.

I has some truths told to me over the last week. Truths that the givers thought was common knowledge, turns out...it wasn't. In an unfamiliar way, I am thankful for this truth. I am not resentful of it. I am almost GLAD for it. I needed it, at that moment, on that day, from that person. I am thankful that I had a supportive friend with me when learned these things. A healthy friend. A friend that wants to see me mentally healthy, and was able to spur that along in a positive way. I found out that I have more than one supportive family member I can go to in times of need and want. I have discovered that the truth isn't always something to avoid. I have also discovered that when I open myself to my higher power (whatever that may be) it is able to walk through the door waving it's hands maniacally in the air shouting "here I am!!!!"

So, today, I open my "Language of Letting Go" book and look back to the day that was so incredibly eye-opening to me...and what do I find? This...really long entry...but so very poignant and perfectly timed. Hopefully you'll keep reading...

Near the Top
I know you're tired. I know you feel overwhelmed. You may feel as though this crisis, this problem, this hard time will last forever.
It won't. You are almost through.
You don't just think it has been hard; it has been hard. You have been tested, tried and retested on what you have learned.
Your beliefs and your faith have been tried in fire. You have believed, then doubted, then worked at believing some more. You have had to have faith even when you could not see or imagine what you were asked to believe. Others around you may have tried to convince you not to believe in what you were hoping you could believe.
You have had opposition. You have not gotten to this place with total support and joy. You have had to work hard, in spite of what was happening around you. Sometimes what motivated you was anger; sometimes fear.
Things went wrong - more problems occurred than you anticipated. There were obstacles, frustrations and annoyances en route. You did not plan on this being the way it would evolve. Much of this has been a surprise; some of it has not been at all what you desired.
Yet, it has been good. Part of you, the deepest part that knows truth, has sensed this all along, even when your head told you that things were out of whack and crazy; that there was no plan or purpose, that [your Higher Power] had forgotten you.
So much has happened, and each incident - the most painful, the most troubling, the most surprising - has a connection. You are beginning to see and sense that.
You never dreamt things would happen this way, did you? But they did. Now you are learning the secret - they are meant to happen this way, and this way is good, better than what you expected.
You didn't believe it would take this long either - did you? But it did. You have learned patience.
You never thought you could have it, but now you know you do.
You have been led. Many were the moments when you thought you were forgotten, when you were convinced you were abandoned. Now you know you have been guided.
Now things are coming into place. You are almost at the end of this phase, this difficult portion of the journey. The lesson is almost complete. You know - the lesson you fought, resisted, and insisted you could not learn. Yes, that one. You have almost mastered it.
You have been changed from the inside out. You have been moved to a different level, a higher level, a better level.
You have been climbing a mountain. It has not been easy, but the mountain climbing is never easy. Now, you are near the top. A moment longer, and the victory shall be yours.
Steady your shoulders. Breathe deeply. Move forward in confidence and peace. The time is coming to relish and enjoy all which you have fought for. That time is drawing near, finally.
I know you have thought before that the time was drawing near, only to learn that it wasn't. But now, the reward is coming. You know that too. You can feel it.
Your struggle has not been in vain. For every struggle on this journey, there is a climax, a resolution.
Peace, joy, abundant blessings, and reward are yours here on earth. Enjoy.
There will be more mountains, but now you know how to climb them. And you have learned the secret of what is at the top.
Today, I will accept where I am and continue to push forward. If I am in the midst of a learning experience, I will allow myself to continue on with the faith that the day of mastery and reward will come. Help me, [Higher Power], understand that despite my best efforts to live in peaceful serenity, there are times of mountain climbing. Help me stop creating chaos and crisis, and help me meet the challenges that will move me upward and forward.

Well...I know that was long, but it couldn't have been better orchestrated for me, in my current place, if I'd tried.

Happy New Year internets...may you find your serenity, hope and courage this year.

Today's Totally Relevant Affirmations

I am not dedicated to reading my recovery books daily. This is something I want to improve on, among so many other things. So, today, in an effort to start again RIGHT NOW, I picked them both up. The affirmations in these books don't always apply to me on the day that I read them, and sometimes they are completely out of left field. Then, there are days like today. Where they are 100% at the right time.

From "The Language of Letting Go":

Our Good Points
What's a codependent? The answer's easy. They're some of the most loving, caring people I know. Excerpt from "Beyond Codependency"

We don't need to limit an inventory of ourselves to the negatives. Focusing only on what's wrong is a core issue in our codependency.
Honestly, fearlessly, ask: "Whats right with me? What are my good points?"
"Am I a loving, caring, nurturing person?" We may have neglected to love ourselves in the process of caring for others, but nurturing is an asset.
"Is there something I do particularly well?" "Do I have a strong faith?" "Am I good at being there for others?" "A I good as part of a team, or as a leader?" "Do I have a way with words or with emotions?"
"Do I have a sense of humor?" "Do I brighten people up?" "Am I good at comforting others?" "Do I have an ability to make something good out of barely nothing at all?" "Do I see the best in people?"
These are character assets. We may have gone to an extreme with these, but that's okay. We are now on our way to finding balance.
Recovery is not about eliminating our personality. Recovery aims at changing, accepting, working around, or transforming our negatives, and building on our positives. We all have assets; we only need to focus on them, empower them, and draw them out in ourselves.
Codependents are some of the most loving, caring people around. Now, we're learning to give some of that concern and nurturing to ourselves.

Today, I will focus on what's right about me. I will give myself some of the caring I've extended to the world.

So, what surprised me what how many of these questions I was harsh with myself when answering. I will give myself permission to be completely honest with myself...

From "In This Moment, Daily Meditation"

In this moment, I relax.
In many meetings I have attended, the topic has been fear. Before I went to CoDA, fear meant "Forget Everything and Run". In recovery, it's changed to "Face Everything and Recover". I know when fear comes up, I have a choice. I can react or I can act. These days, I choose to act. I acknowledge the fear, practice positive self-talk, write about it and share with my sponsor. Then I let it go and I relax.

Relaxation...writing...sponsor...Things to ponder...

Acknowledging My Part in all of this...

Lately I am finding myself taking stock.
Taking stock in my life, the ways I have lived it and the ways I am changing.
Taking stock of my relationships.
Taking stock in the decisions I have made and will make in the future.

For the last several weeks in CoDA, my focus has been on readings and discussions regarding healthy relationships, fault, blame and shame (among other things), and I have had a million thoughts streaming through my head at a rate that is mind numbing, and leaves me wondering where to even start. So, that being said, I'll just jump in feet first.

A series of events over the last several weeks have resulted in me finding myself in a situation that I have had to take a giant leap back from and really do some soul searching. I have some issues (for lack of a better word) with a friendship that have caused me to really analyze the relationship (over the last six months or so especially). In doing so, I have begun to notice the unhealthy aspects of this friendship, as well as the patterns that I repeat. These acknowledgments have led me to a place where I am taking stock in my part of the negativity. I realize that I play a part in my unhealthy relationships, and I am becoming aware that I am allowed to change them to suit my needs without feeling selfish. I am becoming more willing to allow it to end. Accepting the fact that I am allowed to let go of friendships that served me once, but no longer hold the same place in my life as they once did, is difficult. Through my reading and step work, I am beginning to accept that there is no room for "blame" in the ending of a relationship, but at the same time, I have to let go of the fact that I think I can "make it work", change people, or have control over their actions. I don't have to like or approve of what someone does, the way they live their life, their constant need to be the victim, their narcissistic tendencies, or their general outlook on life. I no longer feel the need to point their "faults" out to them...This is not the person I like to think I am, nor is it the person I want to be.

I am discovering that this relationship brings out the worst in me. When I can learn how to let an incident go, notice my triggers, back off, and/or become uninvolved, I feel so much better! The simple fact remains, that I do not have control over others. I never did. And I don't need to. It's not my responsibility to "fix" other people. Just as it's not my responsibility to "fix" every unpleasant situation.

It's true that I grew up feeling like it was my job to "fix" the unpleasantness, or that it was somehow my fault.
Mommy and Daddy are fighting because I had an opinion.
Daddy left because I wasn't good enough.
Mommy is angry because I wasn't perfect.

These are the things I told myself. And I was never corrected. Now, I am learning that I am the only one who can correct these thoughts and behaviors. I am learning that not all unpleasant situations are my fault. I don't always have to feel like I am wrong, nor do I have to concede to the other person to keep the peace. I don't have to feel bullied or anxious over someone else's anger, rejection or acceptance of me. I am not in control of their reactions.

It all sounds great "on paper" though, doesn't it? It sounds easy. It's not. I won't lie to you. I am struggling with this every damn day. But in working this program, I am getting stronger. I am becoming more aware of the situation. I am becoming able to recognize when I have been triggered: I recognize the sarcasm and condescension right away...and I don't like that girl. So, that girl is going to go away...bit by bit. I am not perfect, by any means...and this is going to be a long road, but as they say in the program "progress, not perfection"...now, if I can just accept that wholly...

Another day...

And Sometimes She Surprises Me

The Girl started Middle School last week. In all her excitement she forgot to be a little girl. Or was it that we were forced to admit she wasn't one anymore? The lines are blurred (by tears?).

We did the requisite back to school shopping, well in advance this year I might add, for clothes and all the new supplies she needed. She was more than willing to recycle as many of last year's supplies as possible, with the hope that she would be able to get a new messenger style book bag, which we surprised her with a few days into the new school year.

Just 3 months ago she was in fifth grade at Elementary School, a big fish in a little pond. Now, in Middle School she is a small fish in an ocean and she is most certainly keeping her outgoing head above water. She has made so many new friends as well as kept the relationships she has navigated over the last 6 years in school. She was sad to see some of her closest friends move on to other Middle Schools but excited to meet up with girls she has played sports with but never shared a classroom. It is amazing to see this transition take place and realize that she is adjusting all on her own.

Just 2 months ago we tucked her in bed every night, Beast and me. Somewhere during this short, hot summer that ritual has gone away and she just comes to give us a kiss and hug and tell us goodnight. This transition, as so many others, happened organically and I didn't even realize it until she had put herself to bed for several consecutive nights. This is a natural progression, I suppose, but tonight she surprised me by asking me to do what we call "snug as a bug in a rug". This is something that I have done with her since she was a toddler; it always helped her to settle down and go to sleep on those harried nights where nothing else would ease the restlessness of her little body. It involves her laying on her back, blankets pulled up to her neck and me (or Beast - sometimes I can share these moments that once only belonged to me) tucking them in around her body reciting "SNUG as a BUG in a RUG" then gently swatting her on her side/backside while saying "hooah". I was only TOO happy to do this tonight, as it made my heart swell with the knowledge that sometimes she is still my little girl.

Time is flying by and all I can do is hope that we are giving her the wings she needs to fly and the strength, courage and knowledge to be able to spread them wide and take off in the right direction - whichever direction that may be. I am learning to let go...a little at a time.

Guidance and Direction

Since I have been so confused and filled with turmoil today I turned to my toolbox. In that toolbox next to my journal my eyes settled on The Language of Letting Go by Melodie Beattie.
Yes, again.
Too often I put aside my feeling of needing "help" and ignore the tools that are staring me point blank in the face.
Today was different.
Today I went in pursuit of the help that I know is there waiting for me to be ready to turn toward it.

Here is what I found:

Finding Direction
I used to spend so much time reacting and responding to everyone else that my life had no direction. Other people's lives, problems and wants set the course for my life. Once I realized it was okay for me to think about and identify what I wanted, remarkable things began to take place in my life. ~Anonymous

We each have a life to live, one that has purpose and meaning. We can help our Higher Power give direction and purpose to our life by setting goals.
We can set goals annually, monthly or daily in times of crisis. Goals create direction and pace; goals help us achieve a manageable life that is directed in the course we choose for ourselves.
We can help give our lives direction by setting goals.

Today, I will pay attention to setting a course of action for my life, rather than letting others control my life and affairs.

Today, I take solace in these words. Am I fully on board with the Higher Power aspect of it? Not yet. But I am getting there. The rest, makes sense to me. Admittance of this past pattern is the first step, right? Well, I guess for me this is part of the first step. I plan to have happiness in my life, I plan to make choices for my betterment and not necessarily to think about others' needs before mine. I am just as important as everyone else. No more, no less. Today, I am grateful for this guidance and direction. And for my ever dependable toolbox.

Love Thursday, Opposite Style

I parked my car today and looked up.

And saw this:

Do you know what that is??

No? Here, try to see beyond the beautiful blue sky and puffy white clouds...take another look:

There are rust and pumpkin and goldenrod leaves hidden amongst the green and blue and white.

That, my friends, is the first sign of Fall here in my neck of the woods.

Twilight is upon us earlier and earlier, which always takes me by surprise. School started this week (post about that later, when I can wrap my head around it all), but this? This, I wasn't ready for. I don't know why...I just wasn't. I'm not prepared. I have enjoyed this summer with the Girl and the Boy - unemployment is bittersweet - and while I love Fall in the Pacific Northwest and all the wonderful beauty it brings to our landscape, it holds the tale-tell signs that Winter is lurking around the corner. Me? Not a fan of Winter. Why? It's simple really: I hate snow. Snow brings cold. Not a fan of being cold, therefore not a fan of Winter. Must I repeat myself? Heh.

Watch out for the signs of Fall coming at you in full regalia. They are everywhere. I know I'll find the beauty and truly enjoy it once it has settled in, but for now, I am fighting tooth and nail (accompanied by a little pouting) to enjoy the limited days of Summer we have left. I'm not ready to let go of Summer. Enjoy it with me, everyone.

Here is Where I Start. For Real.

I have found myself doing a lot of soul searching lately. This blog is taking a different voice this time around, so bear with me...or step out now. It's time; I think, to take a different approach...honest and vulnerable. Here is where I get to be incredibly honest with everyone (the like 3 of you out there...), if not for everyone else, then for myself. After all, its my freakin' blog, right? I suppose that means I can say whatever I feel I need to here. I just go into it hoping that my dear internets will be gentle with me. I am not looking for a boost or sympathy, but like mama always said (well, not MY mother, but someone's mother, I'm sure) if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all.
And a special note for my Beast: there are things in this blog I have not been able to say aloud, sometimes its just not that simple; some of these things have just occurred to me, and I need to get them down while I have the courage. I love you.

I am not good at vulnerability; I have discovered it is a learned trait for me, not something that is inherently built in to my personality. Vulnerability is really becoming this repetitive thing in my life. I am uncomfortable being vulnerable. I used to feel it was a weakness, recently I am really discovering how much strength it takes to not be intimidated and to be vulnerable in every aspect of life.

The easiest aspect to talk about is my "hobby", but also my passion. I am looking at being vulnerable in putting myself out there as a professional photographer. I am afraid and intimidated by the criticism I have convinced myself I will receive. However, I think that the time is coming to "shit or get off the pot", as mama would say. I am just very unsure of where to start. I have not been as diligent as I can be in getting this business off the ground. The last couple weeks, and the last couple days in particular, have shown me just how much I want this to become a profession and not just a hobby. I don't want to just be 'that girl who takes pretty pictures', I want to be 'that photographer who is amazing'. Only I can make that happen, and I think it's about time I do. Watch out world...right?

Wow, this next one is a bit harder.
For those who don't know me well, or that I have felt I couldn't say this to: I am dealing with a lot of emotional baggage. I believe all this baggage has led to depression. No, I am not getting medical attention for it...yet. I am dealing with it with therapy and a 12 step program. The good news? It's working. The bad news? It requires a fucking lot of honesty, commitment, hard work and (ugh! there's that word again!) vulnerability. If you aren't sure how I feel about that, start over at the top of this blog. Ha!
Phew, it feels good to get that out "officially".

The last couple weeks have really held some important milestones in my life. I celebrated my one year in therapy. I also celebrated my first CoDA Birthday. If you are thinking "WTF is CoDA", go to http://www.coda.org/, it's too much to explain it here, in this blog entry that is probably too long already (maybe next time). Are you still reading?? Good.

Beast and I celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary as well as our "together" anniversary. (What do you call that one, by the way? "Together" sounds weird...help me out here...or don't. Whateves.) I had been really tense the few weeks prior to our anniversary. I had nightmares; horrible, tear inducing nightmares. I had crying jags and deep, deep depression followed with a ton of insomnia that caused me to be distant, bitchy, emotional - among other things. So, I started to force myself to think. Think about why; delve into that deep dark well of hurt in my head and figure out what the fuck was wrong with me.

Then I hit a brick wall.
It finally hit me in a moment of clarity that for the last four years I have been waiting. Waiting for something awful to happen. Waiting for Beast to be sick of me. Waiting to fail. Let me explain, as I'm leery that I may have lost you there for a moment. I was married before Beast. I was young, I thought I was doing the right thing, I was very unhappy. That marriage lasted just under four years. So, you see, this anniversary meant something to me subconsciously. I didn't realize it, but I was looking forward to that day. I was looking forward to proving I could do it, that I wasn't a failure, that I can be a good wife, mother, etc. And somehow, I convinced my subconscious that making it to this four year milestone was the way to do just that. It would prove I wasn't a failure, that I was 'fixed', that I can be "lovable and loving and loved". When Beast and I were arguing the day before, I got petrified. My imagination ran away with me, those terrible voices in my head had a FIELD DAY with my emotions, hence the mind numbing nightmares. I realize and know that it is unfair to me, to Beast, to US to compare the two. I am not the same girl I was back then, he's not him. And while I know all this, I still feel like I have something to prove. So, there that is...I don't really know what else to say about all of that right now, but there you have it, me in all my honesty and vulnerability.

What else is left to say right now, except...thank you for listening...? (and I am really afraid to hit "publish post"...but if I don't, what is the point?) Here I go.

Letting Go (July 7th Edition)

I have shared excerpts from a daily meditation book here before. I don't make a habit of it as I don't feel I need to shove what works for me down everyone's throats.
That said, the entry from a few days ago was so profound, perfectly timed and needed for me at the time that I haven't been able to get it out of my head. Maybe if I share it here, with you, I will be able to accept it a little more...

Getting it all Out
Let yourself have a good gripe session ~ Women, Sex and Addiction, Charlotte Davis Kasl, Ph.D.

Get it out. Go ahead. Get it all out. Once we begin recovery, we may feel like it's not okay to gripe and complain. We may tell ourselves that if we were really working a good program, we wouldn't need to complain.

What does that mean? We won't have feelings? We won't feel overwhelmed? We won't need to blow off steam or work through some not-so-pleasant, not-so-perfect, and not-so-pretty parts of life?

We can let ourselves get our feelings out, take risks, and be vulnerable with others. We don't have to be all put together, all the time. That sounds more like codependency than recovery.
Getting it all out doesn't mean we need to be victims. It doesn't mean we need to revel in our misery, finding status in our martyrdom. It doesn't mean we won't go on to set boundaries. It doesn't mean we won't take care of ourselves.

Sometimes, getting it all out is an essential part of taking care of ourselves. We reach a point of surrender so we can move forward.

Self-disclosure does not mean only quietly reporting our feelings. It means we occasionally take the risk to share our human side - the side with fears, sadness, hurt, rage, unreasonable anger, weariness or lack of faith.

We can let our humanity show. In the process, we give others permission to be human too. "Together" people have their not-so-together moments. Sometimes, falling apart - getting it all out - is how we get put back together.

Today, I will let it all out if I need a release.

~~~The Language of Letting Go, Melodie Beattie

So, there you have it. Now, maybe I can get some peace. I will continue to work hard to not feel bad when I do vent; to accept that my friends are accepting, that when they say it's okay for me to vent, I hope to someday not still feel the need to say "I'm sorry".

Wishing and Hoping

So often lately, I find myself with this thought: "I wish I could attach a little video camera to my kids".

I remember when they were babies, they would do something I thought was amazingly noteworthy and I would think "Oh, isn't that cute!?! I have to tell so-and-so." The problem lied in the re-telling. Replaying the event or little moment verbally never seemed to do it justice--it just wasn't the same as when you were there.

Whether it was the way the Girl would talk to her imaginary dog friend, locking it in the bathroom, telling it she'd be "wight back" or if it was the Boy, laying on his back laughing at American Idol doing frog kicks, going nowhere fast. These images are ingrained in my memory, but I am also sadly aware of all the moments that I have already forgotten, thinking at the time that there was no way they could ever do something cuter or greater than the moment they had just awed me with.

This Easter these thoughts blazed through my head and heart as I watched the way the Girl, all of 11 years old, came down the stairs and gasped when she glimpsed her Easter basket resting up against the new lamb from Build-a-Bear. That wish was there when the Boy just kept breathlessly saying "wow", for the first time in that context, every time he saw something else that just seemed so GREAT. I wonder if I will remember the way he really "got" Easter this year. I wonder how much longer the Girl will "believe".

It saddens me to imagine that some day, these memories may, like so many others, disappear from the recesses of my overloaded brain. In an attempt to postpone that as long as possible, I intend to grab every one of these magnificently breathtaking moments and envelope them in a massive Mama Bear Hug and hold tight hoping with all my heart that they don't wriggle free.

Today...

Today is my birthday, and instead of going on about how depressing it is to get older, or how it just feels like another day, I will take a different route. I would like to allow myself to take a moment to acknowledge some of the things I am accomplishing and that I like about me.

Today, I am a more honest me.

Today, I am a more aware me.

Today, I am a more rational me.

Today, I am a more vulnerable me.

Today, I look fear in the face and am not as scared as I once was.

Today, I recognize my strength.

Today, I am learning to love myself.

Today, I am a more real me.

Today, I give myself permission to just be.

Today, I have hope for more days like today.

Being Alright with Falling Behind

Disclaimer: this post is not full of sunshine and daisies, but maybe by the end I will have come up with something entertaining, heartfelt and maybe a little inspirational.

That is certainly the area I need a lot of help in this week my friends.
I bet you thought I didn't love you anymore. I do. Really.
I am still just trying to adjust, ya know? Adjust to a new schedule, a new bedtime, a new routine for everyone in my household.

And I am not used to it yet.

I am not adjusted.

Most days, I feel pulled in so many directions I am unsure of where to start conquering all the tasks and duties I have convinced myself must be conquered. Then, when I force myself to use the tools at my disposal, center myself and take a giant leap back and just take in the situation from a different, calmer perspective, I realize, the only person tugging at me...is me.

So doesn't that mean that the only person who can change the situation is also...me?

I beat myself up over the smallest things. Whether the kids got baths today, whether the laundry is folded or just hanging out waiting for it's third de-wrinkling cycle in the dryer, whether I have expressed to my family that I love them and appreciate them, whether I have blogged, taken a photo today, have I written in my journal...boy the list just goes on and on. I have this ongoing list in my head of things that just HAVE to get done. Yet, when I attempt to think about the things I actually HAVE accomplished, that list is harder to compile. I can't give myself credit for the things I am able to conquer.

That is what I want to change. I want to be okay with just living. I want to feel like it is alright if I don't get everything done on my list, if I fall behind. I want to feel like my world isn't crashing in on me choking out my every breath if I forget one...small...thing.

Deep, deep down, in my heart, I know its okay if I'm not perfect; I just want my head to believe it too.

Today, all I can tell you for certain is that one day I will find, outside of my heart, that inner peace, that sanity, that serenity...

So, I leave you with this handy little excerpt from "The Language of Letting Go", because today...I found it helpful and intriguing.

Enjoying Recovery
What a journey!
This process of growth and change takes us along an ever-changing road. Sometimes the way is hard and craggy. Sometimes we climb mountains. Sometimes we slide down the other side on a toboggan.
Sometimes we rest.
Sometimes we grope through the darkness. Sometimes we're blinded by the sunlight.
At times many may walk with us on the road; sometimes we feel nearly alone.
Ever changing, always interesting, always leading someplace better, someplace good.
What a journey!

Today, my Higher Power, help me relax and enjoy the scenery. Help me know I'm right where I need to be on my journey.

And, I put a hand to my heart in hopes that you are right where you are supposed to be on your journey at this very moment...