365 Days and Counting

Happy Birthday my sweet Girl.
She's 12 today. And counting the days to being a teenager.

I have so many messages I hope she hears (both spoken and unspoken).
Here are a few I hope get through:

~Don't rush to grow up; there is no rewind feature for life.
~Just be a kid; allow yourself that indulgence.
~Study hard. School is valuable, even if it doesn't seem like it now.
~Laugh. Laugh hard and often.
~Cry. Cry whenever you want and for as long as you want. It's perfectly acceptable.
~Make lots of different kinds of friends. Don't put all your focus on only one friend. Learn when they aren't your friend anymore and let them go.
~Make your own choices; even the difficult ones.
~Ask for help. You are not alone in this life.
~Forgive. Forgive yourself and forgive others.
~Trust. Trust us to support you in every way. Learn how and when to trust others.
~Love. Love yourself. Love others. Love yourself some more. Love life.
~Have fun! Have so much fun you have to sort through the stories when you recount them to your children and grandchildren because telling them all would take too long.

My end of the bargain:

~I will let you "just be a kid". In fact, I will fight for it. Even when that makes you angry. At the same time allowing you to grow up...I know that is, and will continue to be, the hardest part.
~I will still check your homework and keep up with your teachers and be involved in your life. I will encourage you to do her best, and understand and accept when you have.
~I will laugh hard. And often. Even when its embarrassing and inappropriate.
~I will cry; showing you that it is perfectly acceptable to do so.
~I will have a variety of friends. And be an example of how to let them go...healthily.
~I will make the difficult choices. And the easy ones. And own them.
~I will show you how to ask for help. And how to be okay with it.
~I will work on forgiveness, and understand that nobody is perfect, not even me. (Maybe I'll learn how to forgive myself in the process.)
~I will continue to learn how to trust. Even trust myself.
~I will love you! Unconditionally. Forever.
~We will have fun! I will have fun with you, around you and even without you. But rest assured, fun will be had. There will be stories to recount to you; and when you ask a million times, I will continue to repeat them.

Happy Birthday, my amazing, beautiful Girl.
I love you.

Now, I gotta go...I have promises to keep.
And 365 days to keep at bay.

Wordless Wednesday

Disenchantment

Disenchant: to free from illusion or false belief; undeceive

Complete acceptance of the understanding that someone is never going to be who you NEED or WANT them to be is the hardest hurdle to drag yourself over. There is no jumping or leaping or flying over this hurdle. I have to completely drag myself over it, one limb at a time. Now that I have, it isn't any easier or nicer on the other side of that hurdle. It is just as sad, just as scary and just as disappointing.

When this person is a parent, it adds to the feeling of abandonment. Realizing that you are the only one able to rescue yourself is just as disappointing. There is definitely something to be said for an external support system, but when you grow up with the false belief that a parent is the one person that will always be there for you in whatever capacity you need, then as an adult you become disenchanted with the fable...it's incredibly depressing.

I struggled for many years doing everything I could think of to make my parent, my...well...parent. I have come to terms, truly, with the fact that I no longer need that parent that was never really the parent I thought they were in the first place.

So today, the little girl in me...lets the illusion go. Disenchantment can be a positive, I suppose...

Building Dendrites

Many years ago, the mom of a close friend of mine introduced me to the term "building dendrites". The way I remember it, we were all playing tennis, and every time I would let out my frustration, pain and anger with a really hard swing, she would cheer and tell me to let it out, as each time I did I was "building dendrites". What I truly got from that moment was that every time I do something that helped me let go of things and do something that made ME feel good, I was "building dendrites".

This weekend, that is exactly what I did.

Our journey started with a minivan chock full of scrapbooking supplies, clothes for two days and well...provisions. We added four women who needed a reboot. Here's a little of what that looks like:

Then we drove a couple hours (that FLEW by), in the rain and pending darkness packing that vehicle with laughter, stories and more laughter, to discover that the next two days of unseasonably wonderful weather gave us this:

With those ingredients, all that is left to do is strengthen the bonds already in place with these wonderful, amazing, caring, lively, energetic, supportive, loving, creative, boisterous and accepting women:

I mean, look, at us!

Don't we look relaxed after two days of just being us?

Talk about "building dendrites"!!!

These women hold a very special place in my heart. For all the sharing, love, stories, experiences and rib-aching-snorting-spitting laughter, I thank them.

I am thankful that in this time in my life, I am able to appreciate them, as well as my family for being supportive enough for me to take a weekend to MYSELF and not feel guilty.

For me, that is as priceless as these women.

Much love...

Oh, and, of course HE came along. The little party crasher.

But it wouldn't be the same without Moose watching over us. (And sneaking into pictures.)

Sometimes...This is Gonna Take a Minute

Sometimes shit just makes sense.
Sometimes it all just comes together.
Sometimes you have to have truth backhand you with rings on each finger right across the face before you can see what is dead straight in front of you.
Sometimes you have to have your world shaken up to clear out the cobwebs and help you see clearly.

As many of you know, my family history...well, let's just say it doesn't shit sunshine and rainbows. But I'm dealing with it. I'm just starting to deal with it and to learn to process it, and then let it go. But the truth is a real bitch. Especially when you aren't expecting for it to jump right out and punch you in the face.

I has some truths told to me over the last week. Truths that the givers thought was common knowledge, turns out...it wasn't. In an unfamiliar way, I am thankful for this truth. I am not resentful of it. I am almost GLAD for it. I needed it, at that moment, on that day, from that person. I am thankful that I had a supportive friend with me when learned these things. A healthy friend. A friend that wants to see me mentally healthy, and was able to spur that along in a positive way. I found out that I have more than one supportive family member I can go to in times of need and want. I have discovered that the truth isn't always something to avoid. I have also discovered that when I open myself to my higher power (whatever that may be) it is able to walk through the door waving it's hands maniacally in the air shouting "here I am!!!!"

So, today, I open my "Language of Letting Go" book and look back to the day that was so incredibly eye-opening to me...and what do I find? This...really long entry...but so very poignant and perfectly timed. Hopefully you'll keep reading...

Near the Top
I know you're tired. I know you feel overwhelmed. You may feel as though this crisis, this problem, this hard time will last forever.
It won't. You are almost through.
You don't just think it has been hard; it has been hard. You have been tested, tried and retested on what you have learned.
Your beliefs and your faith have been tried in fire. You have believed, then doubted, then worked at believing some more. You have had to have faith even when you could not see or imagine what you were asked to believe. Others around you may have tried to convince you not to believe in what you were hoping you could believe.
You have had opposition. You have not gotten to this place with total support and joy. You have had to work hard, in spite of what was happening around you. Sometimes what motivated you was anger; sometimes fear.
Things went wrong - more problems occurred than you anticipated. There were obstacles, frustrations and annoyances en route. You did not plan on this being the way it would evolve. Much of this has been a surprise; some of it has not been at all what you desired.
Yet, it has been good. Part of you, the deepest part that knows truth, has sensed this all along, even when your head told you that things were out of whack and crazy; that there was no plan or purpose, that [your Higher Power] had forgotten you.
So much has happened, and each incident - the most painful, the most troubling, the most surprising - has a connection. You are beginning to see and sense that.
You never dreamt things would happen this way, did you? But they did. Now you are learning the secret - they are meant to happen this way, and this way is good, better than what you expected.
You didn't believe it would take this long either - did you? But it did. You have learned patience.
You never thought you could have it, but now you know you do.
You have been led. Many were the moments when you thought you were forgotten, when you were convinced you were abandoned. Now you know you have been guided.
Now things are coming into place. You are almost at the end of this phase, this difficult portion of the journey. The lesson is almost complete. You know - the lesson you fought, resisted, and insisted you could not learn. Yes, that one. You have almost mastered it.
You have been changed from the inside out. You have been moved to a different level, a higher level, a better level.
You have been climbing a mountain. It has not been easy, but the mountain climbing is never easy. Now, you are near the top. A moment longer, and the victory shall be yours.
Steady your shoulders. Breathe deeply. Move forward in confidence and peace. The time is coming to relish and enjoy all which you have fought for. That time is drawing near, finally.
I know you have thought before that the time was drawing near, only to learn that it wasn't. But now, the reward is coming. You know that too. You can feel it.
Your struggle has not been in vain. For every struggle on this journey, there is a climax, a resolution.
Peace, joy, abundant blessings, and reward are yours here on earth. Enjoy.
There will be more mountains, but now you know how to climb them. And you have learned the secret of what is at the top.
Today, I will accept where I am and continue to push forward. If I am in the midst of a learning experience, I will allow myself to continue on with the faith that the day of mastery and reward will come. Help me, [Higher Power], understand that despite my best efforts to live in peaceful serenity, there are times of mountain climbing. Help me stop creating chaos and crisis, and help me meet the challenges that will move me upward and forward.

Well...I know that was long, but it couldn't have been better orchestrated for me, in my current place, if I'd tried.

Happy New Year internets...may you find your serenity, hope and courage this year.

Here is Where I Start. For Real.

I have found myself doing a lot of soul searching lately. This blog is taking a different voice this time around, so bear with me...or step out now. It's time; I think, to take a different approach...honest and vulnerable. Here is where I get to be incredibly honest with everyone (the like 3 of you out there...), if not for everyone else, then for myself. After all, its my freakin' blog, right? I suppose that means I can say whatever I feel I need to here. I just go into it hoping that my dear internets will be gentle with me. I am not looking for a boost or sympathy, but like mama always said (well, not MY mother, but someone's mother, I'm sure) if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all.
And a special note for my Beast: there are things in this blog I have not been able to say aloud, sometimes its just not that simple; some of these things have just occurred to me, and I need to get them down while I have the courage. I love you.

I am not good at vulnerability; I have discovered it is a learned trait for me, not something that is inherently built in to my personality. Vulnerability is really becoming this repetitive thing in my life. I am uncomfortable being vulnerable. I used to feel it was a weakness, recently I am really discovering how much strength it takes to not be intimidated and to be vulnerable in every aspect of life.

The easiest aspect to talk about is my "hobby", but also my passion. I am looking at being vulnerable in putting myself out there as a professional photographer. I am afraid and intimidated by the criticism I have convinced myself I will receive. However, I think that the time is coming to "shit or get off the pot", as mama would say. I am just very unsure of where to start. I have not been as diligent as I can be in getting this business off the ground. The last couple weeks, and the last couple days in particular, have shown me just how much I want this to become a profession and not just a hobby. I don't want to just be 'that girl who takes pretty pictures', I want to be 'that photographer who is amazing'. Only I can make that happen, and I think it's about time I do. Watch out world...right?

Wow, this next one is a bit harder.
For those who don't know me well, or that I have felt I couldn't say this to: I am dealing with a lot of emotional baggage. I believe all this baggage has led to depression. No, I am not getting medical attention for it...yet. I am dealing with it with therapy and a 12 step program. The good news? It's working. The bad news? It requires a fucking lot of honesty, commitment, hard work and (ugh! there's that word again!) vulnerability. If you aren't sure how I feel about that, start over at the top of this blog. Ha!
Phew, it feels good to get that out "officially".

The last couple weeks have really held some important milestones in my life. I celebrated my one year in therapy. I also celebrated my first CoDA Birthday. If you are thinking "WTF is CoDA", go to http://www.coda.org/, it's too much to explain it here, in this blog entry that is probably too long already (maybe next time). Are you still reading?? Good.

Beast and I celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary as well as our "together" anniversary. (What do you call that one, by the way? "Together" sounds weird...help me out here...or don't. Whateves.) I had been really tense the few weeks prior to our anniversary. I had nightmares; horrible, tear inducing nightmares. I had crying jags and deep, deep depression followed with a ton of insomnia that caused me to be distant, bitchy, emotional - among other things. So, I started to force myself to think. Think about why; delve into that deep dark well of hurt in my head and figure out what the fuck was wrong with me.

Then I hit a brick wall.
It finally hit me in a moment of clarity that for the last four years I have been waiting. Waiting for something awful to happen. Waiting for Beast to be sick of me. Waiting to fail. Let me explain, as I'm leery that I may have lost you there for a moment. I was married before Beast. I was young, I thought I was doing the right thing, I was very unhappy. That marriage lasted just under four years. So, you see, this anniversary meant something to me subconsciously. I didn't realize it, but I was looking forward to that day. I was looking forward to proving I could do it, that I wasn't a failure, that I can be a good wife, mother, etc. And somehow, I convinced my subconscious that making it to this four year milestone was the way to do just that. It would prove I wasn't a failure, that I was 'fixed', that I can be "lovable and loving and loved". When Beast and I were arguing the day before, I got petrified. My imagination ran away with me, those terrible voices in my head had a FIELD DAY with my emotions, hence the mind numbing nightmares. I realize and know that it is unfair to me, to Beast, to US to compare the two. I am not the same girl I was back then, he's not him. And while I know all this, I still feel like I have something to prove. So, there that is...I don't really know what else to say about all of that right now, but there you have it, me in all my honesty and vulnerability.

What else is left to say right now, except...thank you for listening...? (and I am really afraid to hit "publish post"...but if I don't, what is the point?) Here I go.

Today...

Today is my birthday, and instead of going on about how depressing it is to get older, or how it just feels like another day, I will take a different route. I would like to allow myself to take a moment to acknowledge some of the things I am accomplishing and that I like about me.

Today, I am a more honest me.

Today, I am a more aware me.

Today, I am a more rational me.

Today, I am a more vulnerable me.

Today, I look fear in the face and am not as scared as I once was.

Today, I recognize my strength.

Today, I am learning to love myself.

Today, I am a more real me.

Today, I give myself permission to just be.

Today, I have hope for more days like today.

Miss me?

I miss you too.
I am not ignoring you, I promise.
But this blogger finally got a daytime job, that pays in something other than strictly laughter and satisfaction, which are priceless, don't get me wrong. They just don't pay the bills.
If you are wondering, I am doing well, getting adjusted and really liking the new people I work with and for. If you aren't wondering, well....um...LOVE YOU TOO!

I digress, as usual.

I will do my best to show you some bloggy love a little more next week, but for this week, please try to cut me some slack as the Beast, the Girl, the Boy and I are getting used to a new (not so improved) schedule which requires this night owl blogger to leave and come home in the dark. Boooo!

Miss me, leave me comments, gimme some luvin', check out my fellow bloggers (links on the side) and all that.

Until this weekend....xoxoxoxo

Simply Struggling

Over the course of the last couple months, I have taken on new challenges and hence have had many revelations. I have also discovered that what really means the most in life are the simple things. I know this sounds silly and obvious, but as we all say it and hear it, I don't for a moment think very many of us actually LIVE it. So, here is my challenge to you: live simply. My hope is that by noticing the simple things in life, you'll be amazed at how your outlook on the things you used to think were big suddenly changes and you realize that they really aren't; that what matters most are the little things most people would deem as insignificant.

I have come to the realization recently that in order for me to notice the little things I have to overcome one of my biggest struggles: letting go. For me, this comes in the form of letting go of the things I have no control over. Watching the people in my life make their own choices and feeling that instead of just observing these choices, I could really be helping in some way is something I have to let go of. I have always been the 'helper'. Sometimes that 'help' isn't wanted or necessary. I am noticing that by realizing this and letting it go, an enormous weight I put on myself is lifted off my sagging shoulders replaced with moments of uncertainty and helplessness--and surprise. Surprisingly, in those moments, I am free. I am free to simply live. I am free to worry less and watch my kids grow, to see in them the future that is wide open in front of them and that I am the one guiding them on that path, to not worry that I'm not doing everything right at every moment.

And that, I imagine, will be my next struggle to deal with...coming to the realization, and accepting the fact that I don't have to be perfect all the time. That I am the one who gets to define the 'right' way of doing most things.

I am curious about your struggles and how letting them go has helped you to simply live...or live simply. I hope you'll share-until then...