I Heart Faces...Tooshie Style

This may not make much sense to you, but then again, maybe it will. :)

I Heart Faces is a photography blog that I lurk on, but am usually too chicken to enter any of my work in their challenges...well, today is a new day.

Week 47's challenge is "We Heart Tooshies"...so here is the one I am going to enter.

I love this photo from our Urban shoot in August. I heart my volunteer models (and their patience). :)

Wordless Wednesday: Channeling Al Bundy

This Really Is It

Michael Jackson's "Thriller" was the first record (yes, I said record) I ever owned. And I loved it. It was my first music I owned all to myself as well as the first non-country music I fell in love with (I grew up in a "country music" family, I still enjoy it but my horizons are BROAD). I played that record so much it skipped all over the place.

Beast and I caught a matinee of the long awaited Michael Jackson's This Is It yesterday.

And WOW.

While I was moved, I didn't cry as I expected to(yay me!). It just wasn't like "that". It was a wonderful unintentional documentary of the concert series that never came to be. It was a celebration of his talent, work ethic and love for music and showmanship. The film quoted that the This Is It tour consisted of "...an unprecedented 50 sold out shows"...the man really was a King.

(Please forgive the crappy photos, as they were taken inconspicuously with my cell phone!)

This Is It is only playing for a limited time in the theater, so if you get a chance, get in there and see it.

Vampire Love

I have read the Twilight saga, I am fully ensconced in the Sookie Stackhouse/Southern Vampire series, and am truly, madly, deeply in love with Showtime's TrueBlood series.

(P.S. I read the books WAY before the show was in production talks, I will have you know.)

And while I won't jump on my sturdy soapbox for my love or hate for any of the aforementioned entertainment, I did want to share with you the vampires I am, and will always be, enamored with.

I am positive you will love them too (if you don't already!).

*Someone found a victim...

No Dice

I didn't make it to the top 10 this month, but will keep trying. :)
You should still go here and vote for one of the finalists.
Good luck choosing just one, as there are so many talented folks out there!

Greeplepix Photo Contest

I have not previously been a huge fan of intentionally putting my "talent" out there for anonymous criticism. But in my efforts to allow myself to be vulnerable, and to build my self esteem, I have entered the following photo in the Greeblepix Contest (over at Greeblemonkey) for the month of October.


This month has no theme so I allowed Beast to assist me in the selection. He loves this picture of the girl. It's not the best technical example of my talent and skill but I love it as well, even with its imperfections -- maybe because of them.

So...If I get to the second phase, I'll expect you people to vote for me! :) I'll keep you posted...

Today's Totally Relevant Affirmations

I am not dedicated to reading my recovery books daily. This is something I want to improve on, among so many other things. So, today, in an effort to start again RIGHT NOW, I picked them both up. The affirmations in these books don't always apply to me on the day that I read them, and sometimes they are completely out of left field. Then, there are days like today. Where they are 100% at the right time.

From "The Language of Letting Go":

Our Good Points
What's a codependent? The answer's easy. They're some of the most loving, caring people I know. Excerpt from "Beyond Codependency"

We don't need to limit an inventory of ourselves to the negatives. Focusing only on what's wrong is a core issue in our codependency.
Honestly, fearlessly, ask: "Whats right with me? What are my good points?"
"Am I a loving, caring, nurturing person?" We may have neglected to love ourselves in the process of caring for others, but nurturing is an asset.
"Is there something I do particularly well?" "Do I have a strong faith?" "Am I good at being there for others?" "A I good as part of a team, or as a leader?" "Do I have a way with words or with emotions?"
"Do I have a sense of humor?" "Do I brighten people up?" "Am I good at comforting others?" "Do I have an ability to make something good out of barely nothing at all?" "Do I see the best in people?"
These are character assets. We may have gone to an extreme with these, but that's okay. We are now on our way to finding balance.
Recovery is not about eliminating our personality. Recovery aims at changing, accepting, working around, or transforming our negatives, and building on our positives. We all have assets; we only need to focus on them, empower them, and draw them out in ourselves.
Codependents are some of the most loving, caring people around. Now, we're learning to give some of that concern and nurturing to ourselves.

Today, I will focus on what's right about me. I will give myself some of the caring I've extended to the world.

So, what surprised me what how many of these questions I was harsh with myself when answering. I will give myself permission to be completely honest with myself...

From "In This Moment, Daily Meditation"

In this moment, I relax.
In many meetings I have attended, the topic has been fear. Before I went to CoDA, fear meant "Forget Everything and Run". In recovery, it's changed to "Face Everything and Recover". I know when fear comes up, I have a choice. I can react or I can act. These days, I choose to act. I acknowledge the fear, practice positive self-talk, write about it and share with my sponsor. Then I let it go and I relax.

Relaxation...writing...sponsor...Things to ponder...

Acknowledging My Part in all of this...

Lately I am finding myself taking stock.
Taking stock in my life, the ways I have lived it and the ways I am changing.
Taking stock of my relationships.
Taking stock in the decisions I have made and will make in the future.

For the last several weeks in CoDA, my focus has been on readings and discussions regarding healthy relationships, fault, blame and shame (among other things), and I have had a million thoughts streaming through my head at a rate that is mind numbing, and leaves me wondering where to even start. So, that being said, I'll just jump in feet first.

A series of events over the last several weeks have resulted in me finding myself in a situation that I have had to take a giant leap back from and really do some soul searching. I have some issues (for lack of a better word) with a friendship that have caused me to really analyze the relationship (over the last six months or so especially). In doing so, I have begun to notice the unhealthy aspects of this friendship, as well as the patterns that I repeat. These acknowledgments have led me to a place where I am taking stock in my part of the negativity. I realize that I play a part in my unhealthy relationships, and I am becoming aware that I am allowed to change them to suit my needs without feeling selfish. I am becoming more willing to allow it to end. Accepting the fact that I am allowed to let go of friendships that served me once, but no longer hold the same place in my life as they once did, is difficult. Through my reading and step work, I am beginning to accept that there is no room for "blame" in the ending of a relationship, but at the same time, I have to let go of the fact that I think I can "make it work", change people, or have control over their actions. I don't have to like or approve of what someone does, the way they live their life, their constant need to be the victim, their narcissistic tendencies, or their general outlook on life. I no longer feel the need to point their "faults" out to them...This is not the person I like to think I am, nor is it the person I want to be.

I am discovering that this relationship brings out the worst in me. When I can learn how to let an incident go, notice my triggers, back off, and/or become uninvolved, I feel so much better! The simple fact remains, that I do not have control over others. I never did. And I don't need to. It's not my responsibility to "fix" other people. Just as it's not my responsibility to "fix" every unpleasant situation.

It's true that I grew up feeling like it was my job to "fix" the unpleasantness, or that it was somehow my fault.
Mommy and Daddy are fighting because I had an opinion.
Daddy left because I wasn't good enough.
Mommy is angry because I wasn't perfect.

These are the things I told myself. And I was never corrected. Now, I am learning that I am the only one who can correct these thoughts and behaviors. I am learning that not all unpleasant situations are my fault. I don't always have to feel like I am wrong, nor do I have to concede to the other person to keep the peace. I don't have to feel bullied or anxious over someone else's anger, rejection or acceptance of me. I am not in control of their reactions.

It all sounds great "on paper" though, doesn't it? It sounds easy. It's not. I won't lie to you. I am struggling with this every damn day. But in working this program, I am getting stronger. I am becoming more aware of the situation. I am becoming able to recognize when I have been triggered: I recognize the sarcasm and condescension right away...and I don't like that girl. So, that girl is going to go away...bit by bit. I am not perfect, by any means...and this is going to be a long road, but as they say in the program "progress, not perfection"...now, if I can just accept that wholly...

Another day...

Local Flava!

We have lived in Mukilteo for about six years now. Last year was the first time we even HEARD of the Lighthouse Festival. This year we made sure to go. The whole family had a GREAT time. We walked around the vendor fair for a bit, got some yummy festival food then settled in on the beach to await the fireworks show.

While the Boy has no problem with water of ANY temperature, the Girl wasn't a huge fan of the Puget Sound temperature. The Boy ran in and out of the water until his parents could watch him shiver no more, while the Girl stood pointing and laughing about how cute it all was (her words, not mine, though - there was a large amount of "cute").

The Boy and Beast hung out on the beach while the Girl and I got to witness just what all the Mukilteo high schoolers come to the festival for: karaoke. We laughed and enjoyed and danced around to the horribleness music of the group singers and clapped and whooped with everyone else to the wonderful Whitney Houston impersonator ("Dance with Somebody", anyone? She was GREAT!) who we could not believe was only in high school.

When I took the Boy for a walk to go buy mini-donuts health food just before the fireworks started (and let me just tell you...we got NONE. The trailer lost power. boooo!) a train went by and we missed the first big BOOM because there was no way we were walking away from the view of the train with all my body parts. He practically ripped my arm off when he dug his heels in with excitement. I let him stay and watch for two reasons. 1. The excitement was just SO ADORABLE. and 2. I totally felt bad when he looked up at me about a half hour before, crossed his arms over his chest, harrumphed, and said to me "Mommy. YOU forgot the shmarshmallows". (The last time he was at the beach for fireworks was on 4th of July with s'mores and camping...so really? I can understand the confusion here. That's what we get for setting the expectation, right?? Heh.)

Then we watched all the wonderful fireworks. While the Girl, Beast and I loved it...the Boy was a bit scared still, though he handled it like a pro. What a great way to end the night. I love our little community and can't wait for next year.

And Sometimes She Surprises Me

The Girl started Middle School last week. In all her excitement she forgot to be a little girl. Or was it that we were forced to admit she wasn't one anymore? The lines are blurred (by tears?).

We did the requisite back to school shopping, well in advance this year I might add, for clothes and all the new supplies she needed. She was more than willing to recycle as many of last year's supplies as possible, with the hope that she would be able to get a new messenger style book bag, which we surprised her with a few days into the new school year.

Just 3 months ago she was in fifth grade at Elementary School, a big fish in a little pond. Now, in Middle School she is a small fish in an ocean and she is most certainly keeping her outgoing head above water. She has made so many new friends as well as kept the relationships she has navigated over the last 6 years in school. She was sad to see some of her closest friends move on to other Middle Schools but excited to meet up with girls she has played sports with but never shared a classroom. It is amazing to see this transition take place and realize that she is adjusting all on her own.

Just 2 months ago we tucked her in bed every night, Beast and me. Somewhere during this short, hot summer that ritual has gone away and she just comes to give us a kiss and hug and tell us goodnight. This transition, as so many others, happened organically and I didn't even realize it until she had put herself to bed for several consecutive nights. This is a natural progression, I suppose, but tonight she surprised me by asking me to do what we call "snug as a bug in a rug". This is something that I have done with her since she was a toddler; it always helped her to settle down and go to sleep on those harried nights where nothing else would ease the restlessness of her little body. It involves her laying on her back, blankets pulled up to her neck and me (or Beast - sometimes I can share these moments that once only belonged to me) tucking them in around her body reciting "SNUG as a BUG in a RUG" then gently swatting her on her side/backside while saying "hooah". I was only TOO happy to do this tonight, as it made my heart swell with the knowledge that sometimes she is still my little girl.

Time is flying by and all I can do is hope that we are giving her the wings she needs to fly and the strength, courage and knowledge to be able to spread them wide and take off in the right direction - whichever direction that may be. I am learning to let go...a little at a time.