Let me just go on the record before I tell this story, that in no way have I EVER alluded to the following actions as a "good idea".
I got home late one night (and by 'late' I mean, the kids were already in bed) a couple weeks ago and Beast informed me that the Girl had a horrendous case of chapped lips. He proceeded to tell me that between the two of them they couldn't find a single stick of Chapstick in the house (unbelievable!)
He tells me, there is no need for me to worry...he had it all under control. When I asked how, he informed me that he had her put Neosporin ON. HER. LIPS. (yes, that deserved caps!)
It seems the absolutely horrified, disbelieving look on my face accompanied by the AWE AND AMAZEMENT that this could actually have happened, followed by the suggestion that maybe Vaseline would have been a much better idea, followed by the WHAT ARE YOU KIDDING ME THAT SHIT IS POISONOUS spewing from my dropped jaw, was sufficient enough to get him off the couch and into a full-on sprint up the stairs to have her wipe it off.
And THEN? The whole scenario gets ridiculous.
He comes back downstairs laughing hysterically, holding his ribs from all the hysterical laughing...and informs me that when he went in her room, warm washcloth in hand, and attempted to wake her to wipe it off -- she licked her lips, looked up at him and groggily said "huh?" At which point, he figured the damage had already been done, came back down the stairs and made me almost wet myself from all the hysterical laughing.
Now, rewind to about two weeks before this when I cleaned out the medicine cabinet and discovered that we are now OUT of most things, Neosporin being one of them. So, while he was upstairs preparing for the hysterical laughter after attempting to have her wipe it OFF HER LIPS, I was downstairs thinking things along of the lines of "hmm...wonder where he got the Neopsorin".
Then? He gave me the tube of Neosporin.
That says "if ingested call poison control immediately".
That expired in October.
More disbelieving laughter ensued. From both of the best parents IN. THE. WORLD.
Followed by threats of him finding his story here.
I am thinking this post should have been titled: "Neopsorin is NOT a Substitute for Chapstick".