Thursday, May 27, 2010


Lately, I have been processing.
Processing information and realizations with regard to my family of origin.
Processing memories that have reconnected like wires in my brain that were fried and somehow, with hard work and an open mind (and a Higher Power) have mended themselves and electricity flows through them again.

I'm in Decision Land. And I fear that it will be lonely here. I know that making a decision like the one I am faced with will change things. It will change me. And it's been over 30 years coming. I've avoided it at all costs. I've held out hope that things will get better and change and that somehow I am the one that has all the power to make that happen.

My Higher Power seems to have other plans.
And I'm processing that.
And dealing with that.
And decision making.
Seems like a lot of "and"s doesn't it?

I read this morning, after a very therapeutic meeting last night, "...The sense of being trapped is an illusion. We are not controlled by circumstances, our past, the expectations of others, or our unhealthy expectations of ourselves. We can choose what feels right for us, without guilt. We have options...Today I will open my thinking and myself to the choices available to me. I will make choices that are good for me."

While this is all helpful and enlightening, the journey and the choosing aren't made easier. BUT...yes, there is a "BUT"...I can give myself permission to not have all the answers and to take one moment at a time.

So that is what I'm moment at a time. Learning hard lessons. Lessons that are ripe for the picking. Learning to trust that my "family" and my "family of origin" may not be the same thing. Learning that I have a choice in which family members I associate with and which ones are unhealthy for me to involve in my life. Learning that I have a choice. And learning to choose to be accepting of that.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Life Lesson

This week I needed this.
I needed to read this.
I needed to hear this.
I needed to think about this in a way that I am unaccustomed to.
So I am.
And I'm going to share it with you.

I realize it's been about a month since my last post, and truly my absence has been irritating, even to me. I want to blog, but don't feel that much has been blog worthy or interesting enough to share here. What I would like to remember, is that it only has to be blog worthy and interesting to ME. I am thankful for my readers, commenters, and yes, even lurkers. But in the end, I blog for me; to share my life, to entertain myself and to get things off my chest. The universe is responding.

So I will share with you the item I read last night. Take from it what you will, as always.

From "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie
Many of us have been trying to keep the whole world in orbit with sheer and forceful application of mental energy.

What happens if we let go, if we stop trying to keep the world orbiting and just let it whirl? It'll keep right on whirling. It'll stay right on track with no help from us. And we'll be free and relaxed enough to enjoy our place on it.

Control is an illusion, especially the kind of control we've been trying to exert. In fact, controlling gives other people, events, and diseases, such as alcoholism, control over us.

Whatever we try to control does have control over us and our life.

I have given this control to many things and people in my life. I have never gotten the results I wanted from controlling or trying to control people. What I received for my efforts is an unmanageable life, whether that unmanageability was inside me or in eternal events.

In recovery, we make a trade-off. We trade a life that we have tried to control, and we receive in return something better - a life that is manageable.

Today, I will exchange a controlled life for one that is manageable.

Have a great week everyone...I intend to learn to let go of what I think I can control a little bit more this week. Progress, not perfection, right?