Thursday, August 13, 2009

Love Thursday, Sitter Style

Webster's Dictionary defines babysitter as "someone who cares for children usually during a short absence of the parents; to care for".

Sorry, Webster, I think you were more than a little slacking in that definition. No where did I read words even remotely close to "divine", "trustworthy", "awesome", "life saver", "wonderful", "friend", "confidant", "mom substitute", "aunt-like", "deeply loved" (the list goes on).

There is this girl. Well, woman really-I mean, she is a wife and soon-to-be mommy. We have been so lucky to have her in our lives. We can leave our kids with her and truly not worry about them (or her). We can trust that bedtimes will be met, without forgetting pajamas, teeth brushed and faces washed. We know she is the Girl's confidant, and thank god for that, but we also know that if there is something we need to know, she will tell us without hesitation (and always on the sly). The kids can expect to have a good time, whether that means the neighborhood park for 15 minutes, painting at the kitchen table, going to the sprinkler park or even the local lake. We know that we don't have to worry that our children aren't being guarded by a pit bull, because they are. She would never let anything happen to them. And for that? We are most thankful.

To watch her evolve into this wonderful wife and mom that we know she will be is bittersweet. We worry that the day will come (and it will, without a doubt) when she is no longer available to us. While we know that she loves our children like her own, it's different once you actually have your own. I just hope that we will still be blessed with her presence from time-to-time.
So Sitter-Friend: in case we don't say it enough, we love you and appreciate you. Thank you for being so wonderful to our family.

Here are a few pictures of their latest outing:

And proof that she was actually there:

*I take no credit for the photos, just the editing! (See! She is so great she even takes photos while they are out AND emails them to me!)

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Interesting Tuesday

Unemployment has allowed me the opportunity to spend special time with the Girl and the Boy, sometimes one-on-one, but usually together. We have been taking advantage of the free movies shown at the local cinema. Usually, this is an uneventful excursion. The Boy sits and watches the movies like a well behaved little dude, the Girl tolerates the G movies (and I think she secretly enjoys them).
Which brings me to today. Today was

We arrived today to see Space Chimps a tad early, as usual (we like to sit in the railing row to avoid evil looks from the people in front of us when the Boy kicks their seat -- my apologies if this has ever been you. About ten minutes after we got there, the Girl pointed out (in her not to subtle way) some footwear on a woman walking directly in front of us. At first I wasn't quite sure what she was pointing and gesturing maniacally at, as all I saw were toes sticking out from her high water mom jeans. Now, don't get me wrong, I people watch and bag on fashion disasters with the best of them, but this? This took the frickin' cake! Since I couldn't subtly take a photo (I do have standards) in the dimly lit theater, here is a photo I was able to borrow online.

WHAT? What the hell? Like I said, at first I saw just feet, then I thought I saw toe socks due to what I thought was tie dye - which would be bad enough. Then I thought, where in the hell did this woman find TOE CROCs? That's what they looked like you guys. No! It was shoes I was looking at, and I use that term loosely. I know this because when she sat NEXT TO ME, I got to see them up close and personal. Hers were tie dyed. No. Really.

If that wasn't bad enough, here is the second odd occurrence at the theater. First, let me say for the record, that as a mom, I realize that not everything my kids do is as cute to others as it is to me. I am fine with this, truly.

I promise.

So, that being said, the Boy, who if you will remember is three years old and ADORABLE and FUNNY, is in this phase where he is obsessed with running around with a makeshift cape saying "dun da dun, super Boy" (I really don't know how to type out the Superman heroic sound effect, ok?). On the way to the bathroom prior to the start of the movie, he was saying this with his arms out behind him, sans cape of course - we are in public after all - walking behind a fortyish woman. As we cross the threshold of the bathroom door, the Boy says "I'm super Boy! dun da dun! I rescue that girl!" and points at this woman. I, of course, thought this was quite endearing and hilarious. She however, did not. She turned to him and said, "who me?" He said, "yeah you!" all excited-like. She then says, and this is the over-the-top, unbelievably-rude part, "no, I'll rescue myself" and shuts the bathroom door!

Can you picture it, people?? The Boy looks up at me like "the hell?"

We proceeded to use the restroom while Mommy said things aloud like "it's ok, buddy you are my hero" and "some people just don't have a sense of humor" and "wow. relax".

She of course, was silent.

Happy Tuesday to you too, lady! I hope you enjoyed your FREE G rated KIDS movie...I hope your seat got kicked. A lot.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Here is Where I Start. For Real.

I have found myself doing a lot of soul searching lately. This blog is taking a different voice this time around, so bear with me...or step out now. It's time; I think, to take a different approach...honest and vulnerable. Here is where I get to be incredibly honest with everyone (the like 3 of you out there...), if not for everyone else, then for myself. After all, its my freakin' blog, right? I suppose that means I can say whatever I feel I need to here. I just go into it hoping that my dear internets will be gentle with me. I am not looking for a boost or sympathy, but like mama always said (well, not MY mother, but someone's mother, I'm sure) if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all.
And a special note for my Beast: there are things in this blog I have not been able to say aloud, sometimes its just not that simple; some of these things have just occurred to me, and I need to get them down while I have the courage. I love you.

I am not good at vulnerability; I have discovered it is a learned trait for me, not something that is inherently built in to my personality. Vulnerability is really becoming this repetitive thing in my life. I am uncomfortable being vulnerable. I used to feel it was a weakness, recently I am really discovering how much strength it takes to not be intimidated and to be vulnerable in every aspect of life.

The easiest aspect to talk about is my "hobby", but also my passion. I am looking at being vulnerable in putting myself out there as a professional photographer. I am afraid and intimidated by the criticism I have convinced myself I will receive. However, I think that the time is coming to "shit or get off the pot", as mama would say. I am just very unsure of where to start. I have not been as diligent as I can be in getting this business off the ground. The last couple weeks, and the last couple days in particular, have shown me just how much I want this to become a profession and not just a hobby. I don't want to just be 'that girl who takes pretty pictures', I want to be 'that photographer who is amazing'. Only I can make that happen, and I think it's about time I do. Watch out world...right?

Wow, this next one is a bit harder.
For those who don't know me well, or that I have felt I couldn't say this to: I am dealing with a lot of emotional baggage. I believe all this baggage has led to depression. No, I am not getting medical attention for it...yet. I am dealing with it with therapy and a 12 step program. The good news? It's working. The bad news? It requires a fucking lot of honesty, commitment, hard work and (ugh! there's that word again!) vulnerability. If you aren't sure how I feel about that, start over at the top of this blog. Ha!
Phew, it feels good to get that out "officially".

The last couple weeks have really held some important milestones in my life. I celebrated my one year in therapy. I also celebrated my first CoDA Birthday. If you are thinking "WTF is CoDA", go to, it's too much to explain it here, in this blog entry that is probably too long already (maybe next time). Are you still reading?? Good.

Beast and I celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary as well as our "together" anniversary. (What do you call that one, by the way? "Together" sounds me out here...or don't. Whateves.) I had been really tense the few weeks prior to our anniversary. I had nightmares; horrible, tear inducing nightmares. I had crying jags and deep, deep depression followed with a ton of insomnia that caused me to be distant, bitchy, emotional - among other things. So, I started to force myself to think. Think about why; delve into that deep dark well of hurt in my head and figure out what the fuck was wrong with me.

Then I hit a brick wall.
It finally hit me in a moment of clarity that for the last four years I have been waiting. Waiting for something awful to happen. Waiting for Beast to be sick of me. Waiting to fail. Let me explain, as I'm leery that I may have lost you there for a moment. I was married before Beast. I was young, I thought I was doing the right thing, I was very unhappy. That marriage lasted just under four years. So, you see, this anniversary meant something to me subconsciously. I didn't realize it, but I was looking forward to that day. I was looking forward to proving I could do it, that I wasn't a failure, that I can be a good wife, mother, etc. And somehow, I convinced my subconscious that making it to this four year milestone was the way to do just that. It would prove I wasn't a failure, that I was 'fixed', that I can be "lovable and loving and loved". When Beast and I were arguing the day before, I got petrified. My imagination ran away with me, those terrible voices in my head had a FIELD DAY with my emotions, hence the mind numbing nightmares. I realize and know that it is unfair to me, to Beast, to US to compare the two. I am not the same girl I was back then, he's not him. And while I know all this, I still feel like I have something to prove. So, there that is...I don't really know what else to say about all of that right now, but there you have it, me in all my honesty and vulnerability.

What else is left to say right now, except...thank you for listening...? (and I am really afraid to hit "publish post"...but if I don't, what is the point?) Here I go.