Thursday, January 28, 2010

Love Thursday

He really does love her.......just on his own terms!
I love that they truly adore each other. His face lights up when she gets home from school, and she hugs him intensely...until five minutes pass and I'm screaming at them both to JUST GET ALONG DAMMIT!

Tuesday, January 26, 2010


Disenchant: to free from illusion or false belief; undeceive

Complete acceptance of the understanding that someone is never going to be who you NEED or WANT them to be is the hardest hurdle to drag yourself over. There is no jumping or leaping or flying over this hurdle. I have to completely drag myself over it, one limb at a time. Now that I have, it isn't any easier or nicer on the other side of that hurdle. It is just as sad, just as scary and just as disappointing.

When this person is a parent, it adds to the feeling of abandonment. Realizing that you are the only one able to rescue yourself is just as disappointing. There is definitely something to be said for an external support system, but when you grow up with the false belief that a parent is the one person that will always be there for you in whatever capacity you need, then as an adult you become disenchanted with the's incredibly depressing.

I struggled for many years doing everything I could think of to make my parent, my...well...parent. I have come to terms, truly, with the fact that I no longer need that parent that was never really the parent I thought they were in the first place.

So today, the little girl in me...lets the illusion go. Disenchantment can be a positive, I suppose...

Monday, January 18, 2010

Remembering the Dream

"Men often hate each other because they fear each other; they fear each other because they don't know each other; they don't know each other because they can not communicate; they can not communicate because they are separated." ~ Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. (courtesy Wikiquote, click on the quote for more from Dr. King)

Dr. King had a dream, in fact, he had many. He had the same dreams I think many of us have, at some point, and possibly in our own way. He dreamt of a togetherness and of freedom and of love.

I have a dream too. I have some of the same dreams he did. I dream that my kids will know they have a future, that they will know this world is theirs to make of it what they can. And that those dreams can not be taken away from them, as these dreams are theirs.

So, today, when you've had your children home from school and you've been lucky enough to have the day off work...remember who this day is in remembrance of...and most of all....dream. In doing so, I hope you teach your children to dream.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Monday Eavesdropping

The Boy (mortified): AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! I GOT MOCOS ON MY FACE!!!

Because I am trying to win the Mom of the Year Award (despite my best efforts to sabotage myself), I wipe his face with my BARE HAND.

Then he licks his lips, and says "mmmm, yummy!"

Yes, folks, he eats his mocos, now and then. I am not proud. Plus? I am pretty sure he gets that from his father.

But I have a way to stop this disgusting behavior. Yes, I do.

Me: If you eat mocos I can't give you chocolate all day.
The Boy: Oh. Sorry. I won't eat them anymore. I'm sorry! I'M SORRY! I'M SORRRRRYYYY! (Yes, he got more and more manic as he repeated himself.)

You know what that means, right?
I win.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Building Dendrites

Many years ago, the mom of a close friend of mine introduced me to the term "building dendrites". The way I remember it, we were all playing tennis, and every time I would let out my frustration, pain and anger with a really hard swing, she would cheer and tell me to let it out, as each time I did I was "building dendrites". What I truly got from that moment was that every time I do something that helped me let go of things and do something that made ME feel good, I was "building dendrites".
This weekend, that is exactly what I did.

Our journey started with a minivan chock full of scrapbooking supplies, clothes for two days and well...provisions. We added four women who needed a reboot. Here's a little of what that looks like:

Then we drove a couple hours (that FLEW by), in the rain and pending darkness packing that vehicle with laughter, stories and more laughter, to discover that the next two days of unseasonably wonderful weather gave us this:

With those ingredients, all that is left to do is strengthen the bonds already in place with these wonderful, amazing, caring, lively, energetic, supportive, loving, creative, boisterous and accepting women:

I mean, look, at us!
Don't we look relaxed after two days of just being us?
Talk about "building dendrites"!!!

These women hold a very special place in my heart. For all the sharing, love, stories, experiences and rib-aching-snorting-spitting laughter, I thank them.
I am thankful that in this time in my life, I am able to appreciate them, as well as my family for being supportive enough for me to take a weekend to MYSELF and not feel guilty.
For me, that is as priceless as these women.
Much love...

Oh, and, of course HE came along. The little party crasher.
But it wouldn't be the same without Moose watching over us. (And sneaking into pictures.)

Monday, January 4, 2010

Whole Lotta Silly Goin' On

The boy is KILLING me today.
He has these days where I am pretty sure as his mom, I am the only one that finds him completely hilarious...but then he has days like today where there is no freakin' way I am alone in that feeling.

This morning, he chose to sleep in. Like, REALLY sleep in. I think he woke up about 8:45, as opposed to prior to the butt crack of dawn. Because I helped the Girl flat iron her hair for the first time on her own for school (with her shiny new Christmas present) I was wide awake at 7am. Thinking that he would be up any time, I decided to read in bed with the quiet of my house surrounding me until he did. Little did I know I'd get almost half way through a book before he woke up. It was a nice reprieve from the ordinary, don't get me wrong, but we had placed to BE. Heh.

When he did decide to grace me with his presence he was in a great mood. He was surrounded by that warm-bodied-just-woke-up-snuggle-me-before-it-wears-off goodness. So I did. Then he wanted to "pretend sleeping mommy". I complied, of course, because he is the boss. I was unaware that the pretend snoring was then to be interrupted by the loudest "COCKADOODLEDOOOOOOO" I have ever heard, pointed directly into my innocent ear.
Cute? Yes.
Annoying when it happens SEVEN times? Oh, yes.
That game was over.

It was however, followed by a lot of tickling. As he flipped over on his belly and I squeezed his cute little dinosaur pajama clad butt with one hand, I told him he had a "cute little booty". To which I was dutifully, and seriously, informed that he, and I quote: "am growing and my butt will get bigger and bigger. And my pee pee will get bigger and bigger."
Yeah. Awesome. I got nothin'.

Had enough for one morning? Well, this afternoon wasn't any less funny.
After straightening up the kitchen and getting lunch on the table for his majesty, he got my attention to inform me that I "forgot them ones books". Let me tell you...I didn't see these "books" he was referring to...but as Parent of the Year, I completely avoided the argument (because honestly, I've had enough today) and said "I'll get them later."
To which he replied to himself: "you're killding me mommy. you're just killding me".
And I, again as Parent of the Year, thought to myself: Pot? Meet kettle. But since I didn't say it aloud, I will retain my crown.

And one more little anecdote for you from lunch time:
The Boy: Mommy, I'm all done eating. I'm so so super super fuuuuull. (Please note the drama included in that statement.)
Me: Okay. Take five more bites and you can be done.
The Boy: No, three Mommy. We do three cuz I'm three. (He is right...)
Me: Okay. Three bites.
The Boy (to himself): This is super hard to do. It's so soooo hard to do. Man.
Three bites later..."I'm super super done, mommy."
Me: go wash up.

No, seriously, if it's that much of a battle maybe he actually ISN'T hungry.

And now?? He is hollering from the bathroom like a broken record, "Mom, I went poop. Mom I went poop. Mom, I went poop." Why? Because he doesn't wipe that end by himself yet.

Welcome to life with a Preschooler...all day...every day...and you know what?
I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Sometimes...This is Gonna Take a Minute

Sometimes shit just makes sense.
Sometimes it all just comes together.
Sometimes you have to have truth backhand you with rings on each finger right across the face before you can see what is dead straight in front of you.
Sometimes you have to have your world shaken up to clear out the cobwebs and help you see clearly.

As many of you know, my family history...well, let's just say it doesn't shit sunshine and rainbows. But I'm dealing with it. I'm just starting to deal with it and to learn to process it, and then let it go. But the truth is a real bitch. Especially when you aren't expecting for it to jump right out and punch you in the face.

I has some truths told to me over the last week. Truths that the givers thought was common knowledge, turns wasn't. In an unfamiliar way, I am thankful for this truth. I am not resentful of it. I am almost GLAD for it. I needed it, at that moment, on that day, from that person. I am thankful that I had a supportive friend with me when learned these things. A healthy friend. A friend that wants to see me mentally healthy, and was able to spur that along in a positive way. I found out that I have more than one supportive family member I can go to in times of need and want. I have discovered that the truth isn't always something to avoid. I have also discovered that when I open myself to my higher power (whatever that may be) it is able to walk through the door waving it's hands maniacally in the air shouting "here I am!!!!"

So, today, I open my "Language of Letting Go" book and look back to the day that was so incredibly eye-opening to me...and what do I find? This...really long entry...but so very poignant and perfectly timed. Hopefully you'll keep reading...

Near the Top
I know you're tired. I know you feel overwhelmed. You may feel as though this crisis, this problem, this hard time will last forever.
It won't. You are almost through.
You don't just think it has been hard; it has been hard. You have been tested, tried and retested on what you have learned.
Your beliefs and your faith have been tried in fire. You have believed, then doubted, then worked at believing some more. You have had to have faith even when you could not see or imagine what you were asked to believe. Others around you may have tried to convince you not to believe in what you were hoping you could believe.
You have had opposition. You have not gotten to this place with total support and joy. You have had to work hard, in spite of what was happening around you. Sometimes what motivated you was anger; sometimes fear.
Things went wrong - more problems occurred than you anticipated. There were obstacles, frustrations and annoyances en route. You did not plan on this being the way it would evolve. Much of this has been a surprise; some of it has not been at all what you desired.
Yet, it has been good. Part of you, the deepest part that knows truth, has sensed this all along, even when your head told you that things were out of whack and crazy; that there was no plan or purpose, that [your Higher Power] had forgotten you.
So much has happened, and each incident - the most painful, the most troubling, the most surprising - has a connection. You are beginning to see and sense that.
You never dreamt things would happen this way, did you? But they did. Now you are learning the secret - they are meant to happen this way, and this way is good, better than what you expected.
You didn't believe it would take this long either - did you? But it did. You have learned patience.
You never thought you could have it, but now you know you do.
You have been led. Many were the moments when you thought you were forgotten, when you were convinced you were abandoned. Now you know you have been guided.
Now things are coming into place. You are almost at the end of this phase, this difficult portion of the journey. The lesson is almost complete. You know - the lesson you fought, resisted, and insisted you could not learn. Yes, that one. You have almost mastered it.
You have been changed from the inside out. You have been moved to a different level, a higher level, a better level.
You have been climbing a mountain. It has not been easy, but the mountain climbing is never easy. Now, you are near the top. A moment longer, and the victory shall be yours.
Steady your shoulders. Breathe deeply. Move forward in confidence and peace. The time is coming to relish and enjoy all which you have fought for. That time is drawing near, finally.
I know you have thought before that the time was drawing near, only to learn that it wasn't. But now, the reward is coming. You know that too. You can feel it.
Your struggle has not been in vain. For every struggle on this journey, there is a climax, a resolution.
Peace, joy, abundant blessings, and reward are yours here on earth. Enjoy.
There will be more mountains, but now you know how to climb them. And you have learned the secret of what is at the top.
Today, I will accept where I am and continue to push forward. If I am in the midst of a learning experience, I will allow myself to continue on with the faith that the day of mastery and reward will come. Help me, [Higher Power], understand that despite my best efforts to live in peaceful serenity, there are times of mountain climbing. Help me stop creating chaos and crisis, and help me meet the challenges that will move me upward and forward.

Well...I know that was long, but it couldn't have been better orchestrated for me, in my current place, if I'd tried.

Happy New Year internets...may you find your serenity, hope and courage this year.