Thursday, May 27, 2010


Lately, I have been processing.
Processing information and realizations with regard to my family of origin.
Processing memories that have reconnected like wires in my brain that were fried and somehow, with hard work and an open mind (and a Higher Power) have mended themselves and electricity flows through them again.

I'm in Decision Land. And I fear that it will be lonely here. I know that making a decision like the one I am faced with will change things. It will change me. And it's been over 30 years coming. I've avoided it at all costs. I've held out hope that things will get better and change and that somehow I am the one that has all the power to make that happen.

My Higher Power seems to have other plans.
And I'm processing that.
And dealing with that.
And decision making.
Seems like a lot of "and"s doesn't it?

I read this morning, after a very therapeutic meeting last night, "...The sense of being trapped is an illusion. We are not controlled by circumstances, our past, the expectations of others, or our unhealthy expectations of ourselves. We can choose what feels right for us, without guilt. We have options...Today I will open my thinking and myself to the choices available to me. I will make choices that are good for me."

While this is all helpful and enlightening, the journey and the choosing aren't made easier. BUT...yes, there is a "BUT"...I can give myself permission to not have all the answers and to take one moment at a time.

So that is what I'm moment at a time. Learning hard lessons. Lessons that are ripe for the picking. Learning to trust that my "family" and my "family of origin" may not be the same thing. Learning that I have a choice in which family members I associate with and which ones are unhealthy for me to involve in my life. Learning that I have a choice. And learning to choose to be accepting of that.


Anonymous said...

Be strong Dana, just go with your heart. It will be hard at first but it is what you have to do to make your life better for you and your family. Be happy and do things for you :) You are awesome and no one can say otherwise!!

Anonymous said...

Michaelann to the above comment ;)

Anonymous said...

Fear of the unknown is a normal feeling. It's ok to feel the fear. Just don't let fear keep you in an unhealthy place. Doing nothing is still choosing. Faith is standing on the edge of the cliff, not sure of what's on the other side but believeing that if I let go, I'll be ok.

You will be ok. You'll be better than ok. You have tools. And you have safe people around you that love you and want the best for you. As you are learning to walk in faith and through fear, look to those people.

You are a brave person and it's such an honor to be beside you on this road as you grow.

Love you, friend!


Anonymous said...

I love you so much, and you deserve to feel relief. Whatever you need to do to get there is just a step you need to take. At some point in your life you need to be able to breath easy and i'm so glad you realize this! I agree with everything Cheryl said... I too feel so blessed to have you in my life and as my bestie <3 me ;)

Buttercupyaya said...

I have an amazing support system.
thank you my self appointed family. ;)

Anonymous said...

This was a very inspiring post for me today. I love the way you process life.