Sometimes shit just makes sense.
Sometimes it all just comes together.
Sometimes you have to have truth backhand you with rings on each finger right across the face before you can see what is dead straight in front of you.
Sometimes you have to have your world shaken up to clear out the cobwebs and help you see clearly.
As many of you know, my family history...well, let's just say it doesn't shit sunshine and rainbows. But I'm dealing with it. I'm just starting to deal with it and to learn to process it, and then let it go. But the truth is a real bitch. Especially when you aren't expecting for it to jump right out and punch you in the face.
I has some truths told to me over the last week. Truths that the givers thought was common knowledge, turns out...it wasn't. In an unfamiliar way, I am thankful for this truth. I am not resentful of it. I am almost GLAD for it. I needed it, at that moment, on that day, from that person. I am thankful that I had a supportive friend with me when learned these things. A healthy friend. A friend that wants to see me mentally healthy, and was able to spur that along in a positive way. I found out that I have more than one supportive family member I can go to in times of need and want. I have discovered that the truth isn't always something to avoid. I have also discovered that when I open myself to my higher power (whatever that may be) it is able to walk through the door waving it's hands maniacally in the air shouting "here I am!!!!"
So, today, I open my "Language of Letting Go" book and look back to the day that was so incredibly eye-opening to me...and what do I find? This...really long entry...but so very poignant and perfectly timed. Hopefully you'll keep reading...
Near the Top
I know you're tired. I know you feel overwhelmed. You may feel as though this crisis, this problem, this hard time will last forever.
It won't. You are almost through.
You don't just think it has been hard; it has been hard. You have been tested, tried and retested on what you have learned.
Your beliefs and your faith have been tried in fire. You have believed, then doubted, then worked at believing some more. You have had to have faith even when you could not see or imagine what you were asked to believe. Others around you may have tried to convince you not to believe in what you were hoping you could believe.
You have had opposition. You have not gotten to this place with total support and joy. You have had to work hard, in spite of what was happening around you. Sometimes what motivated you was anger; sometimes fear.
Things went wrong - more problems occurred than you anticipated. There were obstacles, frustrations and annoyances en route. You did not plan on this being the way it would evolve. Much of this has been a surprise; some of it has not been at all what you desired.
Yet, it has been good. Part of you, the deepest part that knows truth, has sensed this all along, even when your head told you that things were out of whack and crazy; that there was no plan or purpose, that [your Higher Power] had forgotten you.
So much has happened, and each incident - the most painful, the most troubling, the most surprising - has a connection. You are beginning to see and sense that.
You never dreamt things would happen this way, did you? But they did. Now you are learning the secret - they are meant to happen this way, and this way is good, better than what you expected.
You didn't believe it would take this long either - did you? But it did. You have learned patience.
You never thought you could have it, but now you know you do.
You have been led. Many were the moments when you thought you were forgotten, when you were convinced you were abandoned. Now you know you have been guided.
Now things are coming into place. You are almost at the end of this phase, this difficult portion of the journey. The lesson is almost complete. You know - the lesson you fought, resisted, and insisted you could not learn. Yes, that one. You have almost mastered it.
You have been changed from the inside out. You have been moved to a different level, a higher level, a better level.
You have been climbing a mountain. It has not been easy, but the mountain climbing is never easy. Now, you are near the top. A moment longer, and the victory shall be yours.
Steady your shoulders. Breathe deeply. Move forward in confidence and peace. The time is coming to relish and enjoy all which you have fought for. That time is drawing near, finally.
I know you have thought before that the time was drawing near, only to learn that it wasn't. But now, the reward is coming. You know that too. You can feel it.
Your struggle has not been in vain. For every struggle on this journey, there is a climax, a resolution.
Peace, joy, abundant blessings, and reward are yours here on earth. Enjoy.
There will be more mountains, but now you know how to climb them. And you have learned the secret of what is at the top.
Today, I will accept where I am and continue to push forward. If I am in the midst of a learning experience, I will allow myself to continue on with the faith that the day of mastery and reward will come. Help me, [Higher Power], understand that despite my best efforts to live in peaceful serenity, there are times of mountain climbing. Help me stop creating chaos and crisis, and help me meet the challenges that will move me upward and forward.
Well...I know that was long, but it couldn't have been better orchestrated for me, in my current place, if I'd tried.
Happy New Year internets...may you find your serenity, hope and courage this year.